


re: work song

by travelingsymphony



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Anxiety, Flashbacks, Fluff, Food as a Metaphor for Love, Getting Back Together, Happy Ending, Humor, M/M, Post-Break Up, Smut, feat. hongjoong aka the smaller man, matcha flavoring deserves its own tag, moral of the story: let people celebrate your birthday lol, the gang's all here, you will learn that seonghwa is mr. struggle
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-21
Updated: 2020-08-02
Packaged: 2021-03-04 17:34:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 23,665
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25410220
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/travelingsymphony/pseuds/travelingsymphony
Summary: A memory still pops up in Seonghwa’s mind about a time when the two of them decided to take a bath together after a long week of studying for exams and finishing up miscellaneous projects.Seonghwa can still smell the lavender bath bomb that sizzled in the warm water. He can still feel the heat from Hongjoong’s skin where his back rested so snuggly against the older’s chest that not even the air could come in between them.And he could only think:this is it, Hongjoong’s it for me.(Or, Seonghwa is still stuck trying to figure out if breaking up with Hongjoong five months ago was actually for the best).
Relationships: Choi San/Jeong Yunho, Kim Hongjoong/Park Seonghwa
Comments: 43
Kudos: 412





	1. to be the center

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Restricted Work] by [coda (travelingsymphony)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/travelingsymphony/pseuds/coda). Log in to view. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello everyone! i am back once again with a… new-ish fic? so here’s the thing, it's actually a re-write. i posted the original in 2019 under the title **crawling home (to the wrong i did)** as a bts yoonmin fic (it's tagged above if y'all want to check out the og), but i decided that i _hated_ it and wanted to change things up a bit. 
> 
> now this new (???) story is double the length and an ateez fic! yay! fun fact: the title of this story is actually a call back to the original title because i grabbed inspiration from hozier's ‘work song’ (one of my favorite songs of all time). this is my first ateez fic and i’m so fucking happy i finally wrote something for this group! aaaahhhhhh, okay let’s get it~~~

  


  


If there is one thing Seonghwa has learned in the last couple of months, it's this: one, he really screwed up. And two, he needs to stop making rash decisions, especially when it comes down to him never having the necessary information to make a good one. 

Because when he does decide to spiral literally out of control, then shit like this happens _months_ later.

“What do you mean I was supposed to have a birthday party?” Seonghwa tries not to shout, but can’t stop from raising his voice just a bit out of pure astoundment. 

The businessmen and women that are all piled in the coffeeshop can stick their dirty glares somewhere else. 

_They should know better anyway,_ Seonghwa thinks with a sneer across his face. _If they wanted peace and fucking quiet, they wouldn’t have gone to a shop that is filled with college students constantly in the middle of a manic episode._

To be fair, Seonghwa has all the glare he needs in his own tired eyes. He is currently trying to stare directly into the souls of none other than Dumb and Dumber because Yeosang and Wooyoung don’t deserve names anymore.

“Well yeah, you were turning 22 and we wanted to do something special, but you kept _bitching_ and _moaning_ about the slightest thought of having a party so we cancelled it.” Wooyoung sips his disaster of a coffee while Yeosang nods his head in agreement like the snake he is.

_Is it too late to get better friends?_

“You mean to tell me that I cancelled my own surprise birthday party?” Seonghwa looks down at his piece of carrot cake that he bought only minutes earlier; he pushes it to the side as his appetite suddenly dwindles to nothing. 

Yeosang’s hand slides carefully across the wooden table as if Seonghwa can’t see him. He rolls his eyes when the younger manages to grab the plate and pull it to himself like he was being stealthy or something. 

“You didn’t want it and we knew that if we did follow through, that you’d be pissed.” Yeosang says with a hand over his mouth; however, cake crumbs still somehow manage to fall onto the table. 

Seonghwa wipes them away with a spare napkin then balls it into his fist. He doesn’t want to say that he is imagining the napkin being his two friends’ faces… but yeah, he is.

“Be glad we told you, you were never supposed to know anyway.” Seonghwa snorts at the offhand comment because everyone knows if something was supposed to be kept secret, Wooyoung wouldn’t be told about it either. 

“You told me _six months_ after my birthday.” 

“Details, details.” Yeosang finishes the cake and pushes the now clean plate back over to Seonghwa who is currently looking out the window. He drinks his matcha latte in silence and pretends to not notice the two in front of him for as long as he can get away with. 

“Yeah, Hongjoong-hyung never wanted you to know because he knew you would be pissed to find out it was his idea. Especially him well-knowing that you hate surprises more than anything, but—”

 _Wait, what? Pause, back-up, rewind._

“What did you just say?” Seonghwa turns his head so fast that his neck stiffens at the unexpected movement. But more importantly (not really, but it is a little funny at least) spits his drink directly onto Wooyoung.

“Fucking gross man, get your spitty grass drink off of me!” Wooyoung practically squeals as he wipes off Seonghwa’s drink from his shirt with disgust written all over his face. Yeosang nearly trips over himself and the table leg as he gets up to grab more napkins. 

“ _Jesus Christ_ hyung, you know how much you hate surprises and—” Wooyoung moans while staring at his now sticky hands, but Seonghwa doesn’t let him say much before jumping in. 

“Shut up you dipshit, not that part. What do you mean Hongjoong?” Seonghwa hisses. 

He takes a handful of the newly disposed napkins from the table that Yeosang ever so graciously got and starts to clean the mess on the table, again.

“You know, Hongjoong, the best ex-boyfriend you’ve ever had. And probably the best boyfriend you ever _will_ have.” Yeosang says like he is reading a fucking grocery list. 

Seonghwa tries to keep himself from twitching. 

“Yeah yeah yeah, how many times are we going to have this conversation for fucks sake,” _Clearly more times than I would like._ “What about him though? What do you mean he planned my sort-of-surprise-but-not-really party?” 

“Well that’s basically it I guess. He got all of us together to plan this party or whatever, even though we all knew you would hate it. He called your mom and—” Wooyoung rambles off, but all Seonghwa can hear is white noise drifting in from the far corners of his mind. 

“He… called my mom?” Seonghwa asks, his tone softer now. 

Soft enough for Wooyoung and Yeosang to look at each other with an emotion Seonghwa doesn’t even want to try to name. They turn back to Seonghwa with the same look they gave one another and it sends a shiver down his spine: _pity._

“Uh, yeah. Come to think of it, we got really close to having this party, but one day Hongjoong just sort of… called it off.” Yeosang rubs at the back of his neck nervously and Seonghwa just nods his head. He doesn’t really know what to say anyway. 

Seonghwa tries to remember all the conversations he has had with his mother for the last couple months, but everything draws up blank. Not once has she ever mentioned this surprise party. And he wonders if she ever planned on it. 

“Oh, well. Wow, I really had no idea.” Seonghwa laughs a little then shakes his head. He doesn’t know if this is the denial speaking, maybe it is disbelief. 

There is a lull in their conversation until Wooyoung mentions getting attacked by a swarm of bees after class a couple days prior. Yeosang laughs a little too loud for where they are at, but Seonghwa doesn’t comment on it. He is just glad they picked up where he couldn’t. 

Instead, Seonghwa goes back to looking out the window of the coffeeshop, watching people walk up and down the sidewalk without any visible care in the world. And he wonders: _why can’t I remember the last time I heard someone say Hongjoong’s name?_

  


  


So here’s the thing: Seonghwa broke up with Hongjoong roughly five months ago. 

They hadn’t been dating for too long, seven months at most. However, they had known each other for a lot longer and looking back on it, maybe that was the reason why they didn’t work out in the first place. 

Seonghwa met Hongjoong through Jongho. Seonghwa was Jongho’s mentor when the kid was an incoming freshman at their university a couple years back. He soon learned that Hongjoong was actually Jongho’s mentor in high school. 

So during one of their weird lunch-date things, Seonghwa met Hongjoong months before going into his senior year and the other going into his junior. 

Once that interaction was done and over with, Seonghwa honestly thought that would be the last time he would see (and possibly hear about) Hongjoong ever again. The universe, for some reason, had other plans. 

It’s not like Seonghwa hated Hongjoong or something. Sure the other was a little… eccentric with the way he dressed in multiple patterns and colors that gave Seonghwa a headache anytime he looked at Hongjoong for too long. 

And sure he was loud, but in a very different way from Wooyoung because he was loud in presence rather than tone and it sort of gave Seonghwa whiplash. Because Hongjoong was just one of those people who demanded to be seen where Seonghwa was (and still is) not. 

Hongjoong was different from Seonghwa in many ways. A good different, a different that was almost distracting and God did Seonghwa just want to get through his senior year without too many bumps in the road. 

But the other made his way into Seonghwa’s life in a blink of an eye. He became quick friends with everyone Seonghwa knew and started showing up out-of-the-blue at “family” game nights and weekly bar trips. He even brought his roommate, Mingi, into their group and suddenly karaoke nights were a thing that happened at least once a month. 

Hongjoong dug his way into Seonghwa’s side and well, he just let him. 

Slowly Seonghwa learned that Hongjoong had classes with everyone at some point. Music Theory with Wooyoung, Composition 101 with Yeosang, and Weight Training (what the fuck) with Yunho and San. 

It wasn’t long, even Seonghwa noticed it quite early on, when his friends started egging him on to ask Hongjoong out. Because: _he is literally just your type._

Or: _he is so into you it actually hurts us to watch him pine like a bitch._

And Seonghwa’s personal favorite (not really): _please suck his dick so he stops talking to me about your fucking hair, what the actual fuck man._

But timing had never been kind to Seonghwa; he truly wasn’t looking to date. He couldn’t disagree though, the longer he was around Hongjoong, the more his heart pulled him towards the other. 

All he wanted was to get his degree as smooth as possible, but of course that changed because maybe… maybe Hongjoong could fit in between the cracks of Seonghwa’s plans. 

Seonghwa certainly could fit into Hongjoong’s life. The man was already making motions to join their universities Masters program for Sound Engineering even as a junior. For the love of Christ, Seonghwa didn’t even know if he wanted to keep going with his own education. 

Hongjoong impressed the living fuck out of Seonghwa from day one, living the life of an extrovert while clearly being an introvert. But God did he just bloom for Seonghwa in a way that he could never imagine someone ever being able to do.

As much as Seonghwa wanted to play the fool, he knew he couldn’t any longer (no matter how much he truly wanted to). Hongjoong liked him and Seonghwa… fuck, he liked the other too. 

To be honest, he did try to push it off for as long as possible. He kept telling himself: _you don’t want to date, you don’t want to date, you don’t want to— oh fuck you wanna date him so bad._ So clearly, that didn’t work out. 

Hongjoong chased after his heart like a kitten to a laser. He asked Seonghwa to walk to class with him, bought the older lunch (which Seonghwa tried to refuse multiple times and yet failed), got him goddamn candles of all things, and didn’t laugh at Seonghwa for his small (see: large) obsession with Animal Crossing. 

He actually wanted to watch Seonghwa redesign his island on Animal Crossing, _from scratch._ Who in their right mind would ever want to watch that?

Moral of the story: they started dating in November, just after Hongjoong’s 21st birthday. Seonghwa won’t say them getting together was the other’s birthday present, but it sort of was. Along with the bottle of tequila he bought on a whim. 

And Seonghwa will be the first to admit, dating Hongjoong was honestly amazing. It wasn’t as easy as breathing, but holy shit it was close to. It felt… natural, it felt like coming home after a long, tiring day. Dating Hongjoong was relieving. 

Their relationship was as close as you get to a teen-romance movie stereotype. It was sickeningly disgusting and gooey in every way Seonghwa never thought he wanted his relationship to be like until he had it in his grasp. 

They held hands all the fucking time (Hongjoong’s thing), played with each other’s hair while laying their heads on each other’s laps (Seonghwa’s thing), and binge-watched dumb tv shows until the break of dawn (which became _their_ thing).

Hongjoong started coming home with Seonghwa so often that Mingi thought he was actually planning on moving out of their apartment. 

One day, Seonghwa saw Hongjoong doubled over laughing while on the phone. When the other was finally able to answer Seonghwa’s slightly worried questions, he started laughing with him when Hongjoong told him: _Mingi wanted to know what kind of cake I wanted for my “congratulations on moving in with the bf” party._

And honestly, Seonghwa thought about letting Hongjoong move in with him once the other’s lease was up. Hongjoong already had half of his wardrobe in the older’s drawers and his wool throw blankets spread across Seonghwa’s once barren couch. 

Even in the short time they were together, it really felt different from all the other relationships Seonghwa had been in previously. He really thought that Hongjoong could have been The One. Maybe not right then, but someday. 

Seonghwa _wanted_ there to be a someday. 

A memory still pops up in Seonghwa’s mind about a time when the two of them decided to take a bath together after a long week of studying for exams and finishing up miscellaneous projects. 

Seonghwa can still smell the lavender bath bomb that sizzled in the warm water. He can still feel the heat from Hongjoong’s skin where his back rested so snuggly against the older’s chest that not even the air could come in between them. 

And he could only think: _this is it, Hongjoong’s it for me._ But sometimes… the things we wished (prayed, begged, yearned—) for don’t work out the way we originally planned them to.

  


  


It has been a couple days since Wooyoung and Yeosang told him about the birthday thing.

Seonghwa scratches at his skin as he sits down on the couch. He just got home from being at classes and meetings all day, and he can’t seem to stop itching at himself. His skin feels alive, eating away at him in a way that he hasn’t felt in a long, long time.

The anxiety under his skin beats like a drum, almost vibrating Seonghwa to his core. It causes his skin to feel hot, his foot to tap, his thumb to pick at the skin around his fingernails. Normally it is manageable, but today his skin is starting to welt at the constant attention and that isn’t what he is looking for. 

Honestly, it hasn’t been this bad in a while, not since the break up— 

_Nope, not going to do it. Not going to think about it; not going to think about him,_ Seonghwa gets up from the couch and tries to figure out how to busy himself with literally anything else other than his own thoughts. 

But even as Seonghwa tries to write out his weekly grocery list, his mind seems to have different plans. His foot taps against the tile floor and he can’t stop himself from spinning his ball-point pen between his fingers. 

He just can’t wrap his head around it. His ex-boyfriend, Hongjoong, who he was still dating at the time, was planning a birthday party… for him?

With his friends, with his _mom_ of all people. 

Seonghwa feels bad. Maybe he shouldn’t, but he does. Not like it was entirely his fault for more or less cancelling his own party because it was Hongjoong who did finally decide to pull the metaphorical plug. But Seonghwa should have known better. 

Birthdays are like funerals, they are not for the person being celebrated. Birthdays are an excuse for everyone that loves you to get together and celebrate your life, funerals are the same minus that one special person.

Seonghwa knows this, God he might as well be the leader of the idea. And yet he pushed everyone away unknowingly. He could try to blame finals well knowing that his birthday has always toed the line with them, but it doesn’t feel right. It doesn’t sit right in him. 

_Nothing about this sits right,_ he puts down his pen when he realizes he hasn't written anything down in the last five minutes. 

Hongjoong never even mentioned anything. Not a word, not a peep, not a single slip up. Seonghwa racks his memories and tries to find a sign, a mistake, but comes up short. Hongjoong had always been secretive and only needed the slightest reason to throw a party, but this takes the cake (no pun intended). 

But this wasn’t just any party, it wasn’t a silly thing that was going to be thrown together in a couple hours. For the love of shit, Hongjoong even got his mother involved? Really?

Seonghwa goes back to the couch and picks up his phone that he haphazardly left there. He unlocks it then pushes on a familiar contact, letting the phone dial as he moves towards the sliding glass door. He opens it and walks out onto the balcony right as someone answers the call. 

“Hwa! Hi baby, how are you?” His mother’s voice is tinny due to the poor service, but it warms Seonghwa up as he stands in the cooling autumn breeze nevertheless. 

“I’m doing fine mom, I just wanted to talk to you about something.” 

“Okay, is everything alright? You sound… off.” _Something like that._

“Everything is fine! School only started back up around a month ago so it’s going well. Doing some extra work on re-editing my thesis, boring stuff you know?” Seonghwa laughs at himself as he is hit with a: _what am I doing right now?_

“But actually, I wanted to ask you about Hongjoong.” 

His mom stays quiet for a second and Seonghwa wonders if somehow _he_ touched a sore spot for her. Before he can even apologize, his mother takes off. 

“Hongjoong! How is he? I hope he is doing well. I do miss that boy so much and—” 

“Yeah yeah mom, I bet he is doing just fine. I wanted to ask about um, the surprise birthday party?”

“Wait, you haven’t been talking to him?” He cringes at the tone his mother used, the: _what the actual fuck are talking about,_ tone. Very closely related to the: _I’m so disappointed in you,_ one. 

“Different conversation for a different day. Can you just tell me about the party, please?” 

“If you say so… wait, if you are even talking to me about this then that means someone told you?” Seonghwa can hear the smirk in his mother’s voice, but it still startles him. 

“Uh—” 

“Which one was it, Wooyoung or San?” _Wait, San knew about the party too?_

“Um, Wooyoung and Yeosang actually.”

“Sangie no! I expected more from that boy. Figures Wooyoung. Anyways, yes there was going to be a surprise birthday for you, but you being my son did in fact cancel it.”

“Wow thanks. Making me feel _so much_ better than I already do.” Seonghwa scoffs. He pushes his hair back as the wind picks up, the sun is starting to set and he just wants to go back inside. 

“Don’t feel bad sweetheart, being the center of attention has never been your thing.”

“Is it true that it was his idea?”

“Hongjoong’s? Oh yeah it was. He sounded, excuse my language, so fucking excited the first time he called me. It was a bitch to return those tickets, but it was what it was. We still saw each other at Christmas so it was fine.”

_Did she just say tickets or have I finally lost my mind?_

“...”

“Hwa? You still there?” Her voice is light, but it still manages to crash into Seonghwa’s space like a tidal wave. 

“Uh yeah, what did you say about tickets?”

“Oh… did you uh, you didn’t know that part, did you?”

“No?” Seonghwa bites at his pinkie fingernail until he tastes something metallic in the back of his throat. When he pulls his finger away, it shows up red. 

“Hongjoong got your father and I tickets to come visit you for your birthday since we hadn’t seen you in a while.” 

_You got to be fucking kidding me._

“Oh.”

 _You actually have to be kidding me right now._

“Seonghwa, don’t even try to feel bad about this. Really, it was fine—”

“Sorry mom, I have to go. I’ll call later this week maybe. Uh, I’m sorry. Bye.”

“If you hang up on me, _I swear to God Park Seonghwa—_ ” Beep! 

Seonghwa hangs up the phone and stares at the clouds that are drifting by slowly in the orange sky. This is what he gets for wanting to know more, isn’t it?

He wishes he never even called.

  


  


Seonghwa hasn’t seen Hongjoong since the break up. Which is a lie, but not really. It is a half-truth. 

Better way to say it is that he hasn't purposefully hung out with or been around Hongjoong in months. Shit, the last time Seonghwa actually saw him was probably at the end of May and it had only been around a week after they broke up.

At first, he thought that was a blessing. For a little bit, Seonghwa really did enjoy being single again. All he had to do was worry about himself and his own schedule. Seonghwa ended up finishing his thesis a month early due to him throwing himself into his work.

Now Seonghwa only has to make dinner for one instead of two. He can prepare as many greens as he wants because he doesn’t have to worry about Hongjoong gagging at the sight of them anymore. 

He walks to the coffeeshop by himself in the mornings. Seonghwa used to go in the afternoons because Hongjoong couldn’t ever get out of bed before noon. But now the 9AM visits have made it into his routines (not because he knows Hongjoong still goes during the afternoons or anything). 

And he does every other shitty single-person thing you can possibly do. It was good for a while, but it got old… a lot faster than he expected it to. 

What Seonghwa hates the most is the looming silence, especially during the nighttime. 

Hongjoong was in no way a loud person in volume, but his presence was always heard. The shuffling of his feet on the tile floor when he went to the bathroom in the middle of the night. Him humming a tune so he could remember to write it down so he could mix it on his computer later. 

The sound of the coffee machine at 3AM and the dripping of the kitchen faucet that Hongjoong could never close tight enough. 

Hongjoong could go hours without speaking and yet Seonghwa still heard every breath, every sigh, every huff. Every victory of a song just finished and every loss that horrific writers block brought. 

Even after all this time, Seonghwa still struggles to fall asleep at night due to being so aware of how alone he literally is. And he wonders if he should’ve pushed Wooyoung and Yeosang hard to move in with him. 

Seonghwa used to put on music to fill in the void, but it only reminded him of all the songs Hongjoong told him to listen to and how Seonghwa never did until after they broke up. So he switched to random tv shows then got reminded by the same fact. 

_God I was a shitty boyfriend, wasn’t I,_ Seonghwa thinks while staring at his ceiling. The fan turns slowly and it shouldn’t be on at all, but the noise is the only thing keeping Seonghwa from pulling his hair out. 

He just can’t escape the fact that it isn’t the same going to sleep in an empty bed. Seonghwa had gotten so used to sleeping with another person that it took weeks for him to get a good night’s rest without having a body wrapped around him.

As much as Hongjoong loved to brood (pouted, he always pouted) in public, he really turned into a koala whenever they were alone. 

Hongjoong loved putting his cold fucking feet under Seonghwa’s thigh to get them warm. How he always leaned his head on Seonghwa’s shoulder and curled his chin into the side of Seonghwa’s neck. How he can still feel the brushing of the other’s lips whenever he closes his eyes. 

And yeah, sometimes he thinks he can feel Hongjoong’s comforting breath in his ear during the lonely nights. 

He turns onto his side and presses his back up against the side of the wall his bed rests against. Seonghwa puts a hand out and lets his fingers play with the empty space beside him; the sheets under his hand are unnaturally cold. The ceiling fan distorts the cream color walls as the streetlights stream into the room. 

People say time heals all and Seonghwa agrees with that statement most of the time. But as the days pass by, Seonghwa has this new feeling settling in his stomach that he has made a massive mistake. 

Seonghwa lays back down and inches his way into the center of the bed. He looks away from the window, remembering that’s the view Hongjoong fell asleep to way too many nights to possibly count. 

He wills himself to _stop_ remembering for once and to just rest, that tomorrow will be better and that it will be easier. But Seonghwa doesn’t sleep that night. 

Or the next night… or the one after that.

  


  


Seonghwa doesn’t _really_ like going out with San and Jongho. 

The bar isn’t too crowded tonight, Seonghwa thinks it is because it is a Thursday at 6PM. But it is probably because he is seated away in the corner, away from the noise and swarms of people. 

From where he is sitting, Seonghwa can see Yunho and San dancing together. The sight makes him smile just a tad, watching the two get closer and closer before falling into each other like planets collapsing in orbit.

But the feeling Seonghwa gets while watching them ends quickly when he remembers Jongho is sitting right next to him. The older coughs into his fist before picking up his drink and finishing it in one go. 

Don’t get him wrong, Seonghwa loves both his dongsaengs to hell and back. But it has gotten harder to talk to them since breaking up with Hongjoong.

Both of them are still really close with Hongjoong and are weirdly protective over their hyung. Jongho has moved on from being under Seonghwa’s wing and went straight back to Hongjoong. Now he has become Hongjoong’s protege and work together 24/7 these days. 

And well San… San is someone from Hongjoong’s childhood. While he talked about San all the time, Hongjoong rarely brought up the actual events of his past. The times that made Hongjoong get surprisingly quiet over, leading him to just brush across it and muffle out an: _it’s no big deal._

Out of sight, out of mind, you know?

Seonghwa can’t even get upset over his dwindling relationship with the two. Hongjoong deserves them way more than he does and if that means they stop being friends with Seonghwa… then that happens he guesses. 

It is bound to happen anyway. Seonghwa already lost Mingi the second he broke up with Hongjoong. He is pretty sure the younger has a dart board up in Hongjoong and his apartment with a photo of the older’s face attached to it. 

And everytime Seonghwa gets together with San and Jongho, he can feel the edge both of them have around him. Even when Wooyoung, Yeosang, and Yunho are there to lessen the blow. 

Seonghwa honestly doesn't think they don’t necessarily like him, no. He still tries to be as close to them as he can be. He asks Jongho about his new mixes for his songs and goes to any performances San is in with flowers in hand. 

They are civil enough for that, but sometimes Jongho gives Seonghwa a look that just screams for him to back off and San just watches Seonghwa from afar with a distant look in his eye. 

No, Seonghwa doesn’t think they hate him, but he doesn’t really know if he could confidently say that they like him either. Which is fair. 

But there are bad days where Seonghwa thinks that the reason why they don’t look him in the eye anymore is because they know things about him that he only dared to tell Hongjoong. He truly doesn’t think Hongjoong is the type of person to share what was (and still is) private, but you can never know how people will react after getting hurt. 

And Seonghwa will be the first to admit that he hurt Hongjoong, badly. 

He places his glass onto the busted metal table at that thought. Jongho looks over at him with an eyebrow raised and Seonghwa pretends he doesn’t see San and Yunho walking their way. 

“What’s up hyung? You’ve been off all week. Damn, the last two easily.” Jongho asks while taking a sip of his beer.

Seonghwa lifts his head up and snorts, he hates how often he is having this conversation. Goddamn Wooyoung and Yeosang, he wishes they never even told him. He wouldn’t be such a hot fucking mess if they kept their damn mouths shut (now that’s a lie). 

“I heard about the surprise birthday party that I managed to cancel unknowingly.” Seonghwa responds, then waves down a wandering bartender for something stronger to drink.

“Oh, shit.” 

“Yeah.” Seonghwa says dumbly, not like there is much to respond with anyway. 

“I— you weren’t supposed to find out.” Jongho mumbles as he plays with the rim of the glass bottle.

“I know, I know. Hongjoong knew I would get pissed and—” Seonghwa starts, but stops abruptly when he hears Jongho start to laugh. 

“That isn’t the real reason why you weren’t supposed to know. God, even you have to know that.” Jongho shakes his head and takes another large sip from his bottle. Seonghwa grimaces at the phantom taste that settles into his mouth; beer is so fucking gross. 

The bartender ends up giving Seonghwa a shot of tequila with some salt and a lime. 

“Why then?” Seonghwa stares at the drink for a second. He knows he shouldn’t start drinking something strong after only having a small snack hours ago. And yet, it still seems to be the only acceptable thing to put in his body at the moment. 

“Because he knew you would end up like this, you know? Feeling way too sorry for something you were never going to like anyway.” Jongho finishes his drink and looks at Seonghwa with a small smile on his face.

The younger’s gaze falls from Seonghwa’s face and the older watches Jongho shake his head to himself as his smile grows bigger. 

“Joongie-hyung didn’t want you to feel bad because it was never your fault. You didn’t cancel your own party, _he did ‘cause he knew you._ ” And with that, Jongho gets up from the table and makes his way over to Wooyoung (who is somehow getting too nasty on the dancefloor after only getting there minutes ago). 

He turns his head away only to make eye contact with San. The younger man nods his head and Seonghwa wonders if he had been listening to Jongho and his conversation the whole time. 

He doesn’t get the chance to ask because Yunho is pulling San back to dance with the rest of their friends while Seonghwa wallows in self-pity like some fucking jackass. 

Sighing, Seonghwa throws back the shot of tequila in front of him and swallows the acid down, down, down. 

He leaves the bar only 20 minutes later to go home just as alone as he arrived.

  


  


Hongjoong and Seonghwa’s first date was as stereotypical as it gets. They saw a shitty movie together. 

And honestly, Seonghwa was actually _really_ fucking nervous for the date too. He was still wary about dating the other man (even though he had very apparent feelings for him), but there was something hopeful in Seonghwa’s heart saying that this could work.

He called his mom a couple days before the date to ask her what he should wear and her response was: _use the credit card to get yourself a new outfit, every person deserves fresh clothes when experiencing a new beginning._

So that’s what he did, Seonghwa took Wooyoung and Yeosang out in search of the perfect outfit. Which was stupid because none of them have similar styles.

Wooyoung wanted Seonghwa to buy a new leather jacket that was way too expensive, Yeosang wanted Seonghwa to wear _plaid pants_ (that would look so much better of Hongjoong, but he digresses). And Seonghwa, well, he just wanted something that made him look like he belonged at Hongjoong’s side. 

When he finally pulled a nice yellow crew-neck sweatshirt that had a little red heart in the corner, Seonghwa knew he could work with it. 

Wintertime was upon them so Seonghwa was able to wear jeans and a denim jacket with the sweatshirt comfortably. Overall, he was happy with what he bought. He ended up purchasing a new watch as well that sparkled in the light as he got dressed in the bathroom. 

But once he was fully dressed, his nerves only seemed to skyrocket. Hongjoong was going to be there any second and Seonghwa hadn’t even styled his hair yet. 

He messed with his hair right up until Hongjoong arrived at his door and even then it was hard to stop when he stepped out of his apartment. Seonghwa glanced down to see the other man and smiled when he saw a pink hue dusted across Hongjoong’s cheekbones. 

“You ready to go?” Hongjoong asked with warmth bleeding into his natural nasally voice and it just about set a forest fire in Seonghwa’s stupid, dumb heart. 

“Yeah.” Seonghwa breathed out before he said something even worse like: _you look pretty._

Hongjoong always dressed in colors and that day was no different. He had on a long sleeve tie-dyed shirt with a large gray coat over it; his black jeans hugged his thighs and were discolored due to being worn over and over again. 

His light brown hair was covered with a black beret and his ears were adorned with a multitude of silver piercings that looked like stars. Seonghwa could feel his breath get stuck in his throat any time he looked at the other. 

Hongjoong was a lot of things. He was intelligent, motivated, caring, and kind. And holy shit was he the most alluring person Seonghwa had ever been given the chance to meet. 

They walked to the theater even though it was snowing lightly. It wasn’t even nighttime, but the sun had set long ago due to the shorter days winter brought. 

Seonghwa let courage flood through him and took Hongjoong’s hand in his own after their knuckles brushed past each other one too many times. He noticed Hongjoong’s ears go red, but he didn’t make a comment about it. He decided it was a memory worth saving just for himself. 

_Wow, you are so fucking breathtaking,_ Seonghwa thought and squeezed Hongjoong’s tiny hand. The other did the same and Seonghwa felt his own pulse jump. 

They ended up seeing a stupid action movie that held no value and would one day become a cult classic, but for the time being sucked ass. However, it was definitely worth seeing because Hongjoong fed Seonghwa pieces of popcorn the whole time while whispering in his ear about how fucking awful the movie was. 

When it was over, they were able to laugh about it. Seonghwa took Hongjoong’s hand again (even though they held hands for most of the movie as well) and basked in feeling the other’s body heat. It really felt like Hongjoong’s hand fit perfectly in his own. 

They walked down the crowded street to people-watch and grabbed a bite to eat after the movie. Both still stuffed on buttery popcorn and soda, they decided to continue their unhealthy eating by getting some rolled ice cream. Hongjoong got matcha and Seonghwa got himself coffee. 

Seonghwa made a comment about never having matcha before to which Hongjoong gaped at him. 

“You have to try it.” He said and Seonghwa laughed before Hongjoong gracelessly pushed his spoon in his mouth.

The flavor reminded Seonghwa of... grass, but it surprisingly wasn’t awful? After a couple more bites, he started craving the other’s ice cream more than his own. Hongjoong giggled when he saw the older side-eyeing the green treat so he decided to pluck Seonghwa’s coffee ice cream out of his hands. 

“Here, you look like you want it more than me.” And that was the moment when Seonghwa fell in love with anything and everything matcha flavored. 

They sat on a stray bench for a bit and pointed at the people who passed by. They made up silly stories about the strangers they came across their way. Seonghwa couldn’t remember a time before that where he smiled so much for so long. Maybe it was because of all the funny comments Hongjoong would make on the housewives that walked by with their horribly styled hair. 

It was a simple night with simple questions and simple answers. 

Seonghwa learned about Hongjoong’s weird choice of favorite color (which was clear and he still isn’t sure if that counts). And how the other’s passion for music goes deeper than just creating it.

“I love listening to music, analyzing the lyrics and how the beat supports whatever message the artist is trying to get across. I love how music makes me feel. It’s like my other half, I guess.” Hongjoong said with twinkling eyes that Seonghwa all, but melted into.

And Seonghwa knows he wasn’t in love with Hongjoong that night, but he definitely loved the way the other talked about music. 

He still thinks to this day the reason why he loved listening to Hongjoong talk about music day in and day out is because Seonghwa wanted Hongjoong to one day talk about _him_ like that. 

But he doesn’t dwell on that for too long because it doesn’t do either of them any good.

  


  


“So how’s your first semester into your Master’s degree treating you?” Yunho asks while sitting on a bar chair at the kitchen counter. 

It’s the first Wednesday of the month so that means dinner at Yunho and San’s. They like to call it “family night” or whatever, but it hasn’t been the same in a long while. Seonghwa still cooks dinner (even though it isn’t his place) and he is almost thankful that this one thing has refused to change. 

“It’s going good, nothing too exciting but you know. How are you doing with your thesis?” Seonghwa responds as he continues to slave over the meal he is making. 

“It’s a thesis, but it hasn’t been too awful ‘cause of Sannie. Don’t know what I would do without him hyungie.” Yunho sighs and places his chin into his palms. He gives Seonghwa a far-away dreamy look causing the older to roll his eyes. 

“Yeah yeah yeah, whatever you say kid.” Seonghwa laughs then ducks quickly when he sees Yunho move to hit him with a spare rag. 

“Aye, respect your elders!” 

Slowly yet surely, everyone starts filtering into the apartment. Seonghwa doesn’t even blink as he naturally takes control over the faux household. He asks Yunho to set the table and tells Wooyoung to get everyone some clean glasses for drinks ( _no, not the vodka Youngie, put that down_ ).

Seonghwa moves all the food onto the table. Once everything is all set, he wipes his dirty hands onto the apron he is wearing then takes it off. He moves back into the dining room and notices something is… off. 

He continues to hum to the tune of some top 40 song that San put on and ignores the sound of Jongho and Yeosang arguing over Overwatch, again. Seonghwa only stops when he finally realizes what is so different. 

“Why are eight plates set Yunho-ah?” Seonghwa’s voice gets quieter as his gaze hardens. 

The younger looks over at him before sitting down. Yunho has a smile on his face, but it doesn’t reach his eyes; San sits down next to him and takes Yunho’s hand into his own.

“We invited Hongjoong to come over, with Mingi.” San’s voice is soft and light through the air, but why does Seonghwa feel like his body has just been filled with cement?

“Hongjoong, with Mingi. As in...” Seonghwa trails off as the idea of Hongjoong _with_ Mingi enters his mind. 

“Oh! Not with Mingi, but like uh. Friends?” _Why did the idea of him being with Mingi just make my whole world tilt off its Goddamn axis?_

“Oh okay, that’s cool.” Seonghwa mumbles. He looks down at the head of the table where he has made himself comfortable sitting at the past few dinners. For some reason, the idea of sitting there makes him feel bad.

 _That’s because Hongjoong used to sit there._

“You know what, it isn’t too late. I can call him and ask to reschedule—” Yunho says suddenly, but before he can move from the table, Seonghwa holds his hand up to stop him.

“No, you… you don’t have to. I was the one to break up with him, remember? I’ll leave if need be, not him.” Seonghwa smiles tightly and prays to God that Yunho just sees past it. Or at least decide to not comment on it. 

“Okay hyung. If you are sure.” 

In absolute no way is Seonghwa sure. He is actually the exact fucking opposite of sure. But he knows better than to say anything at all because again the truth is, he broke up with Hongjoong. Why does he have to constantly remind everyone of that?

Seonghwa would have to be a complete idiot or at least an oblivious one to not notice how much his friends want to hang out with Hongjoong. He can hear Jongho, Yeosang, and Wooyoung talk about how much they _miss_ Hongjoong when they are curled up on the couch and think Seonghwa isn’t listening; they talk about Hongjoong like he’s dead. 

Which, Seonghwa guesses is true… in some morbid type of way. 

Seonghwa can see how much Yunho misses having everyone over, he can see it as clear as day. 

He misses it too, Seonghwa really does. And again, Seonghwa should be over this by now. He should be the one who is okay. 

But as the clock keeps ticking, Seonghwa’s hands grow more sweaty and he realizes that he can’t do it. Seonghwa really cannot do this. So with a quick bow directed towards Yunho and San accompanied with a stuttered apology, Seonghwa runs out of the apartment.

Only to run face first into the exact person he was trying oh so hard to run away from.

Hongjoong stands there in the doorway in all his glory along with a somehow intimidating looking Mingi (when the fuck did Seonghwa get scared of _him_ ).

He looks up at Seonghwa like a deer in headlights and Seonghwa blinks down at him then takes a step to the side to get some space between the both of them. 

Hongjoong’s hair is platinum blonde, almost silver. His locks reach at the end of his neck and lick up into pretty little curls. And holy fucking God does Seonghwa need to get out of here as fast as possible— 

“Hi hyung.” Mingi blurts out. His arms are crossed and Seonghwa dumbly looks between the two men before him in a silent panic. 

“Uh, hi Mingi… Hongjoong.” Seonghwa lets the name roll off his tongue and it still feels as natural in his mouth as it did day one. 

“Seonghwa-ssi.” Hongjoong says and a shiver runs down his spine. His voice is still the same and Seonghwa wonders why he ever thought it would change. And he just chooses to ignore the “ssi” attached at the end of his name. 

“I was— I have to go. Got some grad stuff to do that I forgot about?” He says like an idiot and Hongjoong just nods at him. Mingi stays silent and Seonghwa just wants to _leave._

“Well, it was good seeing you.” Hongjoong looks up from underneath his eyelashes and it is officially time to go! It is time to go before Seonghwa dies in the doorway of his friends’ apartment. 

“Bye.” Seonghwa breathes out. He pushes past the two men and walks (jogs) down the hallway. He smashes his finger against the down arrow of the elevator and only breathes out after he enters it. 

And if Hongjoong waited in the hallway until the other man was out of his sight, then… well, Seonghwa never needs to know.

  


  


The day Hongjoong first told Seonghwa he loved him was definitely a memorable one. 

It was a cold day, like a really cold fucking day. The heater was turned up to the highest setting and yet Seonghwa was still shivering as if he was bracing the snowy outdoors. 

Seonghwa was laying face down right next to the one of the heating vents that was on the floor. Hongjoong was curled in on himself as he leaned against the actual heating unit that vibrated with a low timber. Blankets and pillows surrounded them as day fell into night. 

Overall, it was really fucking miserable and possibly the worst time to ever tell someone that they loved you for the first time. Seonghwa would not recommend it; however, he really can’t imagine it any other way.

Even in the cold, Hongjoong still looked somewhat put together. He was wearing sweatpants that were rolled up to his ankles. His long sleeve turtleneck covered his hands and it was brought all the way up over the other man’s chin. 

His tiny feet were clothed with fuzzy socks that made him slip across the floor if he wasn’t paying attention and God did he look cute as shit. 

Hongjoong looked beautiful like that. His small everything getting washed over with baggy clothes that made Seonghwa just want to pinch his cheeks like an old grandma. Seonghwa just looked like a wreck in his long underwear and permanently red cheeks. 

Seonghwa will never forget what Hongjoong looked like that day, so incredibly ethereal that it still aches from time to time.

The conversation they were having while trying to keep warm wasn’t even close to an appropriate lead in for the ‘L’ word. They were talking about getting groceries for a party they were having with everyone over later that weekend.

It started with a trivial argument about what kind of alcohol they wanted to get, the contestants being Fireball or peppermint vodka to put into some hot chocolate (a drink Seonghwa’s parents loved to enjoy during the holidays). 

“If we get Fireball then we have it in hot apple cider too! You can’t do that with peppermint vodka unless you want to projectile vomit literally everywhere.” Hongjoong moaned while cuddling up next to the heater once more.

Seonghwa looked at him before getting up from his own warm spot. He threw a blanket over himself then plopped down next to the other man. Hongjoong immediately curled into Seonghwa and sighed happily due to the extra heat. 

“Yes and, Jongho will be there and he is still underage so… cater to the kids who normally can’t drink?” Seonghwa mumbled into Hongjoong’s hair (he knows he shouldn’t support underage drinking, and it is college so). 

Nothing he could (can) do about that. 

“Yunho is the one actually buying take-out and he fucking loves Fireball. I rest my case.” Hongjoong retorted in a cute voice. Seonghwa kissed the top of his head and started to rub circles on the other’s back to get him to relax. 

“But I want peppermint!” Seonghwa whined like a fucking baby, but he knew that was one of the easiest ways to get Hongjoong to melt and agree with him. Seonghwa was not against playing dirty when necessary. 

Instead, Hongjoong laughed at him making Seonghwa’s mouth turn into a pout. The other man left his embrace for a split second, but it was long enough for Seonghwa to chase after. He only stopped when Hongjoong squirmed around until he was comfortably seated on Seonghwa’s lap.

He smiled brightly and Seonghwa mirrored the look. He wrapped his arms around the smaller man and brought him close enough that their noses were touching. Hongjoong giggled causing him to knock his extremely pointy nose into Seonghwa’s cheekbone, which made him groan. 

“Hey! It wasn’t funny, that actually hurt.” Seonghwa poked Hongjoong’s cheek with his own nose. 

“No no, it’s not that.” Hongjoong turned his head away suddenly to look anywhere, except at Seonghwa.

“What was it then, hmm?” Seonghwa asked with a small huff but was slightly startled when he got no immediate response. 

Even though Seonghwa knew he could push more for an answer, he decided to wait quietly instead. He let his hands move to the base of Hongjoong’s back and continued to rub circles into his skin. Seonghwa watched Hongjoong smile as he played with the rings of his fingers, something he only did when he was anxious. 

“What is it?” He asked again, his voice was as soft as the blankets that surrounded them. For some reason, his heart felt like it was trapped in his throat. 

Hongjoong turned his head back to look at Seonghwa with nervous eyes. He smiled quickly as he brought both his hands up to cradle Seonghwa’s face in his palms; he tenderly leaned in, leaving a chaste yet shaky kiss on Seonghwa’s lips. 

And with their lips still brushed up against each other, Hongjoong murmured.

_“I love you.”_

Seonghwa wakes up in a cold sweat. He feels his covers being everywhere except on his body which he changes quickly. Seonghwa dives back under the mess of blankets he always has out during the wintertime because his heater is still shitty. 

He scratches his head, running his fingers through his hair to see if that can connect him back to reality faster. Seonghwa’s limbs seem so heavy and God his feet are fucking burning because they are that cold. 

But now it is the dream that is keeping Seonghwa up. He really hates that dream. Once it appears, it stays for the rest of the night. If Seonghwa tries to fall back to sleep now, he will just have that same moment replay in his head over and over. 

Seonghwa rolls on his side to see his clock on the bedside table say some ungodly time. He rubs his eyes and sighs as he sits up in bed, letting his blankets pool around his lap. 

_It isn’t too early to get up I guess,_ Seonghwa thinks to himself even though 4AM is definitely too early to be awake even if the sun won’t rise for another couple hours. 

He gets up anyway, it is never worth his time trying to go back to sleep so he doesn’t even bother. Seonghwa is just going to stop the inevitable. The inevitable being him in a pissy mood all day because his memories like to turn his dreams into nightmares. 

Seonghwa wished it was only a nightmare, a silly little figment of his overactive imagination. Because if it was just a nightmare then he wouldn’t be reminded of the fact that he never said: _I love you,_ back. 

And yet, here he is again, remembering all because of a stupid fucking surprise birthday from way too long ago to even matter anymore.

  


  


Hongjoong texted Seonghwa first; it was only a month after the break up.

It was a simple message, nothing too crazy or anything, but Seonghwa was still shocked to see the other’s name pop up… so soon?

 **From: kim hongjoong**  
14:47: so i think i’m ready to try being friends again

The reason why it shocked Seonghwa is something he still isn’t proud of. When Hongjoong and he first started dating, they decided that no matter what happened that they would always be friends.

It was on Seonghwa’s couch where they made this promise. His head was on Hongjoong’s lap and they sealed the deal with a pinkie promise followed by a kiss. It wasn’t a hard decision to make. 

Well it wasn’t while they were still dating, but after… that was a different story. So yeah, the text itself wasn’t what initially shocked Seonghwa. What did shock him though was the fact that even though Hongjoong was ready, he wasn’t. 

And that is where things start to not make sense. 

It made Seonghwa feel like pure and utter shit about literally anything and everything he could think of. First, it started with how things played out right after the downfall of their relationship. 

It wasn’t an easy break up (no break up is easy, and if anyone tells you different then they are a fucking liar) and shit got way out of hand before Seonghwa could even think a single coherent thought. 

By the time Seonghwa called it quits, their friend groups had merged into one. They were almost a family at that point; shit, the kids even started calling Hongjoong and him “dad and mom”.

Suddenly, he just made it “mom”, not like that was really the problem but yeah. Not only did Seonghwa feel like he tore up the best thing that happened to him, but for everyone else too. 

As dramatic as it sounds, Seonghwa felt like he was the cause of a small civil war. People had to start picking sides and it made their friend group settle in this weird limbo of Hell on Earth. Friends Seonghwa used to talk to every day, just gone and it was all his fault. 

Okay, maybe he takes too much fault for it, but what was he supposed to do? He broke up with Hongjoong so he had to face the consequences of it. Even if that meant not being able to look in the mirror for a couple weeks. 

The first month after was just awful. The guilt ate at him like a parasite. Seonghwa felt hopeless to the never ending questioning that he had drilled himself up the wall with. Always ending with the same question: _did I do the right thing, did I do the right thing, did I do—_

Seonghwa wasn’t ready to face that question (clearly still isn’t as he is still asking himself almost six months later) and by not facing the fact that he did fuck up, it just pushed him further away from Hongjoong. 

The next thing that makes Seonghwa feel like shit is how he more or less… ghosted Hongjoong. 

He isn’t proud of it, okay! He isn’t, really. Seonghwa was never the type to ever just leave people on read and never respond. He always thought it was one of the most disrespectful things someone could possibly do. But Seonghwa couldn’t ever manage to keep his wits or morals around when it came to Hongjoong.

Hongjoong was always different, Seonghwa knew he would bend over backwards for the other man if he so asked. So is it so weird that Seonghwa would act this irrationally when it came to Hongjoong, someone he would have willingly taken a bullet for? 

So yeah, Seonghwa ghosted him. He just wasn’t ready to talk and was too afraid to tell that to Hongjoong because he didn’t want him to get angry. 

Seonghwa could imagine the look on the other man’s face, he had seen an angry Hongjoong before. And Seonghwa wished it was a scary or intimidating look, he wished it was a look that made him shake in his shoes. 

But an angry Hongjoong wasn’t any of those things. Angry Hongjong was soft and vulnerable, you could see every single emotion on his face as he had no energy to conceal them.

Seonghwa had only once seen Hongjoong completely and utterly bare for him and it was enough for him to know that he never wanted to see it again. That statement still stands. 

And he knew Hongjoong had (and still has) every right to be angry with him. Seonghwa made a promise and he went back on it, as they are still not friends and maybe never will be. 

He just never wanted to be the reason why Hongjoong was angry and he didn’t want that to start then. Seonghwa knew he wouldn’t be able to take it because he was a coward.

That’s it, that’s the word he has been looking for this whole time: _coward. I’m a coward._

So even when Hongjoong was ready, Seonghwa didn’t have the balls to tell him he wasn’t and it wasn’t fair to the other man. But he guesses he didn’t care enough at the end of the day because Seonghwa is still stringing Hongjoong along. 

It has led them to where they are right now, still not speaking to each other minus that one weird (awkward, uncomfortable, Seonghwa could go on forever) interaction at Yunho and San’s door. 

Here Seonghwa was, doing his Master’s degree in Higher Education at the same university because he can’t seem to let go (and he honestly has nothing better to do). November is coming up fast. It is only a couple days away— oh no.

Hongjoong’s birthday. 

Seonghwa face plants into his couch and screams into a pillow like a child would. They never celebrated Hongjoong’s birthday together as a couple; they started dating only a handful of weeks after it. 

_I told him I would make him a cake for his next birthday, didn’t I,_ Seonghwa’s thoughts wander off. How he remembers that small piece of information from almost a year ago, he doesn’t know.

But it has him screaming louder into the couch like that is going to solve all of his problems.

  


  


It’s not like Seonghwa has nothing to do. To be honest, it is almost the opposite of that.

He has meetings with his professors about his thesis edits, new projects to start with other grad students, and piles upon piles of homework that he never thought he would have to do (for some stupid reason).

And yet here he is, covered in flour trying to make a cake that he honestly doesn’t know if he has the right to be making or not. 

Seonghwa has never been a baker, which _is_ completely different from a cook. He knows how to make main dishes, appetizers, and all that shit. But baking? That is something he never dared touch, not even with a 10 yard pole. 

He would like to say the reason why he is doing this is because he is someone who doesn’t break promises… but we already know that isn’t correct either. Maybe it’s the guilt that is starting to creep back on him like a cough that just won’t go away.

Seonghwa knows Hongjoong doesn’t remember the promise he made all those months ago. It was offhanded, not even a real conversation. But after Seonghwa remembered it, well, it just started haunting him as most memories do.

After breaking so many promises already, he knew he couldn’t let this one slip away from him. So Seonghwa started his mission to bake the perfect cake, starting November 1st.

That gave him a week to figure out how to: one, make a cake. And two, figure out how to give it to Hongjoong without having to _give_ it to Hongjoong himself. 

The first try ended with a kitchen fire and Seonghwa doesn’t want to talk about it other than it was a vegan cake. The second day Seonghwa refused to try a vegan option again and went absolutely bat-shit crazy with using eggs and milk. Not like Hongjoong is vegan anyway.

Well, he wasn’t while they were dating. Oh my God, what if he is vegan now— 

( **To: jongho babie**  
12:11: is hongjoong vegan

 **From: jongho babie**  
12:13: ???  
12:14: i don’t think so… 

**To: jongho babie**  
12:14: thank you ^^

 **From: jongho babie**  
12:15: hyung what the fuck)

Update: Hongjoong is not vegan. 

Day 2 wasn’t awful. He made a cake and it didn’t catch fire this time. However, it tasted like ash and Seonghwa thinks it’s because he used expired cocoa powder. So he went to the grocery store later that night and got fresh ingredients (which he should’ve done at the beginning of this whole mess). 

On the third day, Seonghwa decided that he was most definitely going to make a chocolate cake. He was able to make the batter come out chunk-free while somehow managing to make some edits to his thesis as the cake baked in the oven. 

After 50 minutes, he pulled it out to find that the cake actually didn’t look like complete ass. He took a bite of it and savored the taste of the baked good. It wasn’t too chocolatey or sweet and would be perfectly acceptable once it was iced. 

So that was what Seonghwa did day 4. He made three different types of icings and tried to figure out which one would work best for the cake. His personal favorite ended up being the peanut-butter buttercream, but went against using it when he remembered Hongjoong always preferred simple vanilla.

Seonghwa almost sold his soul to make this vanilla icing. You would think it would be the easiest to make because it was fucking vanilla? Seonghwa swore to whatever higher power there was that if it came out tasting like pure sugar one more fucking time— 

But he mastered it by day 6 (thank you higher power) so all that was left was making the actual cake and figuring out how the hell he was going to get the cake to Hongjoong.

Which is what he is doing, right now. 

“Hey San, do you know if Hongjoong is doing anything for his birthday?” Seonghwa asks while he is over at their place to hang out for a bit before going back to campus. 

The younger looks at him like he has grown two heads. It is probably because this is the first time Seonghwa has brought the other man up in conversation on his own accord since they broke up. But he doesn’t think too much about it. 

“Uh… we are going out tomorrow night for some drinks and stuff?” San says slowly as if he is just making shit up as he goes. 

“Sounds like fun.” 

“Can I ask why you’re well, asking hyung?”

Seonghwa looks up from his phone with a smile on his face. It must look like it is forced because San looks at him with wide eyes as if he is doubled over in pain. 

“Oh no reason. Don’t worry about it.”

He doesn’t even bother asking what time they are going out before leaving because he already knows that drink nights always start at 8PM.

So Seonghwa bakes the cake during the afternoon of Hongjoong’s birthday. Fortunately his birthday fell on a Friday so at least Seonghwa isn’t missing any classes to do this (for his own sanity at this point). 

By the time the clock hits 8, Seonghwa is just starting to ice the cake. He is hoping that he can get it packaged up all pretty and drop it off at Mingi and Hongjoong’s front door around 9PM. 

Dressed in stained gray sweats, Seonghwa manages to leave his apartment right before 9 and drives over to the other’s apartment. He taps his fingers to the music playing on the radio, not even caring about what he is listening to. 

For the first time in a while, he isn’t in an awful mood and he is going to make the best of it Goddamnit. 

Seonghwa kicks his car door closed after he parks and climbs out of the vehicle, cake in hand. Luckily Hongjoong’s apartment complex is kind of shitty so he doesn’t have to finesse his way through security. 

Walking calmly, Seonghwa makes his way down the hallway of the fourth floor like he did all those months ago. 

_403, 404, 405... 406! Ah, there it is._

Seonghwa smiles to himself when he looks down at the new doormat: a cartoon-y white cat with both it’s front paws up giving the middle finger. Classy as always. 

He gently sets down the cake on top of the doormat. He packaged the chocolate good in a pink cardboard box with a small red bow placed strategically in the upper left corner. Seonghwa didn’t bother signing a card or anything, he just told Wooyoung to text Hongjoong saying it was from the younger. 

Looking at the door once more, Seonghwa turns on his heels and moves to leave. Only God knows how he missed seeing the lights in the apartment being on from their very open window. 

But what he does know is that he gets stopped in his tracks when he hears the familiar creek of a door being opened. Then followed by a nasally voice he knows almost more than his own, calling out— 

“Seonghwa? Is that you?”

  


  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oop cliffhanger, sorry about that. the next part will be posted... at some point ahaha.
> 
> [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/travelingsymphony)


	2. of the broad world

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Seonghwa tries to remember his 22nd birthday, nothing really interesting or out of place comes to mind. It was just like any other birthday if he is being honest. Maybe that is what made it so special… in a weird way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> back at it again y’all. sorry this took so long to update; i was struggling with this part so much that i just wanted to bash my head into a brick wall. however, this part ended up being like 80% new content (compared to the original story) so that's cool! also this is the first time i have ever written like actual smut so... good luck reading that. 
> 
> i hope you guys enjoy part two as much as y'all liked part one. this fic was so much fun to re-write and maybe i will do it with some of my other works, who knows. anyways, happy reading :D

  


  


When Seonghwa tries to remember his 22nd birthday, nothing really interesting or out of place comes to mind. It was just like any other birthday if he was being honest. Maybe that was what made it so special… in a weird way. 

Oh wait, that was when Seonghwa said: _I love you,_ to Hongjoong for the first time, right. 

They broke up right around a month after his birthday. And now that he is thinking about it, that was also around the time they last really, well… slept together. Like _you know._

God, Seonghwa has never (not once in his life) had a way with words. Hongjoong was always able to articulate literally everything he needed or wanted to say so much better than him. 

It was quite a beautiful day, Seonghwa can remember that clearly. The air was warm, but a soft breeze cooled off the up-coming summer heat. He was glad the day wasn’t unbearably cold like some Aprils he had experienced over the past few years. 

The sun was starting to set later in the day and Seonghwa was happy that winter and spring were finally over. He always felt better during the summer, rather than the somewhat hopeless feeling that would settle in his bones during the colder months. 

Seonghwa was happy that he could finally live alongside Hongjoong after having spent so many days cooped up inside, trying to starve away the rain and snow during the beginning of their relationship.

But it didn’t matter anymore, it was April and Seonghwa let the warm air enter his lungs, making him feel anew. Now he was able to spend his birthday with his amazing boyfriend and everything seemed to be perfect.

Early that morning, he talked to both his parents. They called and praised him from the moon and back about making it to 22 (as if that was special or something). It was short and sweet, but Seonghwa had this weird feeling that his mom was holding something back and yet didn’t know what. 

When he asked, she just laughed and said: _it’s nothing sweetheart, you just have a good day. Tell Hongjoongie we say hi._

Lucky for her and his father, Hongjoong was already by his side so he just handed the phone off to him. They talked in whispers as Seonghwa finished getting ready for their day out. He was just a little hungover from the night before due to celebrating his birthday at the bar with everyone else, but it was nothing a little brunch couldn’t fix. 

They grabbed a quick bite to eat at a new cafe down the street before going bowling. It was stupid, but fun. Seonghwa hadn’t gone bowling in years and Hongjoong gloated about his skills he managed to get after taking bowling as his P.E. credit in high school. 

They ended up playing three games and Hongjoong, not so surprisingly, won all of them. Seonghwa teased and pushed saying it was because he went easy on Hongjoong due to him being a big crybaby whenever he lost at something. 

But in reality, it was because Seonghwa sucked ass at bowling and he loved seeing Hongjoong bounce up and down whenever he was able to get a strike. However, anytime Seonghwa managed to get a strike himself, his reward was a soft kiss from Hongjoong. 

Those were always the sweetest ones.

After bowling, they went to the grocery store to pick up some ingredients for Seonghwa to make for dinner later. 

“Let’s just go out tonight, you shouldn’t be cooking on your own birthday. I’d cook, but… I’d probably set the apartment on fire, again.” Hongjoong whined the whole way there. 

He only stopped pouting at Seonghwa when the older leaned down and gave him a brief kiss. Seonhwa giggled softly when he pulled back and saw the dazed look on Hongjoong’s flushed face; always so cute. 

So they picked up food hand in hand. Hongjoong refused to let go Seonghwa’s hand when they entered the store and he was just as reluctant to let go. It made shopping harder, but Seonghwa still thinks it was worth it. 

They took the long way back to his apartment that day. After all the groceries were put in the back of Seonghwa’s car (that he rarely used), they climbed into the vehicle and drove off. 

The music in the car was quiet white noise, and it surrounded Seonghwa like a warm blanket. He rolled down the windows instead of turning on the AC as it was a beautiful day; in the corner of his eye, he could see Hongjoong tapping the beat of the song onto his thigh. 

Seonghwa moved his right hand from the steering wheel to place it gently on the other man’s knee. He felt Hongjoong tense up for a second before relaxing and placing his own hand on top of Seonghwa’s. 

It didn’t take long for Seonghwa to feel Hongjoong move his hand higher and higher up on his thigh. He let the other man do as he pleased and tried to focus on the road in front of him as best as he could. 

But when he felt Hongjoong slowly push his hand in between his legs causing the smaller man to let out a breathy noise, Seonghwa couldn’t help but slam _ever so slightly_ on the brakes. 

By the time they got to his parking spot in the garage of his apartment, Hongjoong was already half hard in his jeans and Seonghwa could hear his own blood racing in and out of his ears. 

They both hopped out of the car and quickly grabbed the groceries. It was probably the worst time to try and get frisky, but neither of them cared (obliviously). Hongjoong and he raced through the apartment complex and made it to Seonghwa’s front door in record time. 

“Come on, come on. Open the fucking door already, you giant.” Hongjoong mumbled under his breath as he tapped his foot impatiently causing Seonghwa to smirk. 

Once they finally made it inside and put the grocery bags down on the kitchen counter, Hongjoong jumped at Seonghwa as fast as he could. 

He got a handful of Hongjoong, but he couldn’t complain. Seonghwa got his hands under the other man’s ass and picked him up swiftly. Hongjoong smiled into the kiss they shared as Seonghwa carried him to his bedroom. 

Hongjoong nipped down Seonghwa’s throat as the older man sat down on the edge of his bed. Seonghwa guided Hongjoong’s legs to straddle him before lifting Hongjoong’s chin with a hand.

“God, you are so beautiful.” Seonghwa said as he brought Hongjoong’s lips back to his own and savored the moment.

Because Jesus Christ Himself knows that Seonghwa wouldn’t be getting a chance to be so kind later due to— 

“Can’t wait for you to fuck me ‘til I scream tonight, baby.” Hongjoong bit playfully at Seonghwa’s earlobe, letting his teeth graze his sensitive skin before pulling it between his lips. 

—Hongjoong being a _needy little thing._

Slowly, but surely, Seonghwa undressed Hongjoong with the utmost care. He littered the other man’s chest with red spots as he sucked and bit at the skin at a torturing pace. Hongjoong writhed under Seonghwa’s weight, but made no complaints as the older worked him up over and over again.

But as he always did, Hongjoong got fed up. He grabbed one of Seonghwa’s hands and pushed it down on his crotch like he did in the car, groaning at the pressure he needed so bad. Seonghwa laughed when Hongjoong threw his head to the side and tried to muffle a moan into a spare pillow.

“Aw baby, don’t do that. You know I love the way you sound.” Seonghwa cooed at the red blush that made it’s way onto Hongjoong’s cheeks and ears. 

“Fuck off and just… do something already, asshole.” Hongjoong pouted. Seonghwa couldn’t help but kiss him again and make those lips of his cherry red like the rest of his skin. 

Finally, Seonghwa decided he teased Hongjoong enough and started to unbuckle his jeans. He helped him with shaky fingers and they pushed his jeans down together earnestly before the smaller man kicked them off completely, along with his underwear. 

“No patience, huh?” Seonghwa laughed again (he was… he can remember being really happy). 

“Either you fuck me like you mean it or I’ll leave to do it myself.” Hongjoong snapped at him, but the words held no real heat to them. 

“Okay okay, Jesus Christ you’re _bratty_ today.” 

He could see Hongjoong’s mouth open to make another sarcastic comment, but was able to beat him by taking his dick into his hand. So instead of another attack on Seonghwa’s person, all he got was a small squeak followed by a broken moan. 

Hongjoong’s eyebrows tied together as he started getting close, but Seonghwa refused to let up. 

“Please, please _come on_ Seonghwa. Something else, anything else. _Please._ ” Hongjoong’s voice was so airy and Seonghwa swore his heart stopped for a moment. The smaller man gripped tightly at Seonghwa’s biceps as he tried to decide whether to push him off or pull him closer. 

Instead, Hongjoong’s pretty, little fingernails pierced into Seonghwa’s skin when the older finally moved his hand from his dick to ghost over his entrance. 

Seonghwa kissed Hongjoong soothingly as he lubed up his fingers and started working a finger in. He practically drank in all the noises the other man gave him and felt like he reached some type of Nirvana. 

“Oh my fucking God, thank you thank you _thank you._ ” Hongjoong keened as Seonghwa set a quicker pace when he finally managed to get three fingers in the smaller man. 

“What are you thanking me for?” Seonghwa asked coyly, kissing at Hongjoong’s cheek when he noticed that he was starting to get slightly overwhelmed.

“ _You, everything._ Fucking shit— Hwa that feels… ah, feels good. Oh my fuck, just get in me already!” 

And he didn’t need to be told twice, Seonghwa stripped himself down then hopped back into bed. Hongjoong helped him put a condom on before climbing onto his lap. He held Hongjoong steady, hands on his tiny hips, as the smaller man positioned himself to sink down on his dick.

Seonghwa moved one hand to cradle Hongjoong’s cheek once he was finally seated on him. Hongjoong placed a tentative kiss on the inside of his wrist and it made Seongwa’s heart swell like a balloon in his chest. 

“I love you.” Seonghwa said before he even knew what was going on.

Hongjoong laughed brightly at the sudden confession which caused Seonghwa to join him. He placed his forehead against the older man’s before moving to kiss both of his eyelids; love, love, love raced through Seonghwa as if it was a drug. 

“You really just said I love you for the first time balls deep in me, are you truly that desperate?” He giggled as he started to rock lightly in his lap which pulled a low groan from Seonghwa. 

The older man brought Hongjoong in as close as he could. Seonghwa pressed his head into the other’s chest; Hongjoong grasped at the top of Seonghwa’s head and gripped his hair at the base of his neck when Seonghwa started to fuck up into him. 

“God, I love you so much. You’re good for me, always so good for me baby.” He groaned after a handful of minutes of getting used to being in Hongjoong. 

“Yeah, I love you Hwa, but my thighs are starting to get tired— oh shit!” Hongjoong gasped when Seonghwa pulled him off unexpectedly and set him down on the mattress. Seonghwa repositioned himself quickly and pushed back in to only set a quicker pace than before.

Hongjoong’s legs wrapped around Seonghwa’s waist, one of his hands scratched down Seonghwa’s back and the other found it’s way into Seonghwa’s hand. He managed to bring their intertwined hands next to Hongjoong’s head and kissed at their knuckles.

“Hwa, _I’m close. Come on please—_ ” 

“Me too, me too, I love you Hongjoong-ah... love you so much.” Seonghwa roughly whispered against his temple which set Hongjoong off as he came untouched. 

It only took half a dozen more thrusts before Seonghwa finished inside the other man. He stayed inside Hongjoong for a couple moments after, then once his mind finally found it’s way back to reality, he carefully pulled out.

He took off the condom and tied it off. Seonghwa threw it away when he got a wet cloth and brought it back to bed. Hongjoong smiled up at him with a delicate look as the older cleaned off his torso and ass; Seonghwa mirrored the same, stupid (almost heartwrenching) look.

Once Seonghwa settled back into bed, Hongjoong crawled on top of him from under the sheets and pressed his face in the nook of his neck. 

And even though Seonghwa didn’t make Hongjoong scream the way he originally wanted to, he thought that this wasn’t so bad either. 

They laid in bed for a while until Hongjoong’s stomach started obnoxiously growling. Seonghwa made dinner with Hongjoong plastered against his back in a permanent back-hug and only let go to eat quietly on the couch. Overall, it was a birthday well spent. 

Sleep actually came easy that night, especially after Seonghwa was able to say: _I love you,_ as many times as he wanted to before he let his dreams officially take a hold of him. 

And the last thing he can remember hearing that night was: _happy birthday, Seonghwa._

  


  


The reason why Hongjoong is stuck at home on his 22nd birthday is because he’s sick.

Seonghwa sits at the edge of a couch he never thought he would ever see again. Hongjoong is only a few feet away from him, curled under a blanket with a cup of tea cradled in his small hands. His nose is a soft shade of pink after probably blowing it constantly with tissues.

He sneezes quietly, his face scrunching up before he wipes it haphazardly with the sleeve of his sweatshirt. Seonghwa should be grossed out, but he isn't. Not at all.

Instead, he is looking around the apartment he entered only a few minutes ago. His cake sits on top of the coffee table and the two of them stare at the pink packaging as if it will catch fire at any moment's notice. 

Seonghwa sips at his own mug. He prefers to drink matcha tea cold, but he wasn’t going to complain when the other man set the mug in his hands without questioning if he wanted something in the first place. 

He followed Hongjoong to the couch. Technically the other man didn’t even invite him into his home. He just held the door open wide enough for Seonghwa to use his limited context clues to understand what was going on before sliding in. 

Now, his shoes are placed right on top of the small shelving unit next to the door and he is currently wearing a pair of Mingi’s far too large slippers on his feet.

It feels like an out of body experience. 

“So you baked me a cake.” 

Hongjoong’s voice is stuffy, but he doesn’t hide away from it. He sips at his drink then looks up, letting his eyes reach Seonghwa’s own. He tries to not shy away from the look the other man is giving. It isn’t one of confusion or anger; indifference mixed with something that makes Seonghwa’s insides burn.

“Uh yeah…” Seonghwa answers lamely. _Well it’s not like I can really say anything else without sounding like I am completely out of my Goddamn mind,_ his brain screams back at him. 

He puts his mug down on the coffee table so he doesn’t drop it into his lap by accident. Seonghwa wipes his shaking hands down his sweatpants and grimaces at the mystery stains that are on them. 

_Why am I here?_

“Wooyoungie told me about you finding out about the surprise birthday party.” Hongjoong says it like the knowledge is as common as 2+2. 

Seonghwa gazes up and tries to hide away all at once. Out of all the times to be talking about this, why did it have to be on _Hongjoong’s_ birthday? Is he really this selfish to take even more from him than he already has?

“Don’t give me that look. I brought it up, not you.” The other man laughs, but the action causes him to cough. Seonghwa has the urge to move and sit next to him, to pull the smaller man into his side and rub his back. To tell Hongjoong that everything was going to be okay even though he is a completely functioning adult. 

“It’s your birthday.” _Don’t let me ruin this for you too._

“Yeah so I get to talk about whatever I want. Birthday boy privileges and all that.” He waves one hand in the air like he is clearing out a room but he doesn’t continue to speak on it like Seonghwa thought he would. 

He was always better at reading Seonghwa than the older cared to admit. 

“I’m sorry.” He whispers, not really sure what he is apologizing for. 

Hongjoong nods his head and places his cup of tea next to Seonghwa’s mug. He fixes his blanket over his shoulders and tries to make himself as small as possible between the couch cushions. Seonghwa notes that Hongjoong looks almost out of place, even in his own home.

“I sent Mingi out to crash at Yunho and San’s so… he is going to be out all night.” 

The older man closes his eyes at Hongjoong’s words and pretends he doesn’t hear the deeper meaning behind them. This isn’t right, this isn’t good. This wasn’t supposed to happen. Seonghwa doesn’t care that Mingi is going to be out all night. He doesn’t want to care. 

Hongjoong is _sick,_ but it’s him and Seonghwa is a weak man.

 _Coward, coward, coward._

But even as a coward, Seonghwa knows Hongjoong deserves something more than what he is insinuating to so he moves into the kitchen. 

Seonghwa takes the cake along with him and grabs a paper plate from inside the cabinet that is two from the left of the fridge. He slices up a manageable piece and places it on the plate along with a tiny fork. 

He sets the plate down on Hongjoong’s lap. The other man looks up at him with eyes he doesn’t deserve to see anymore, so he looks away. 

“I’m sorry about not texting you back.” He says once he is sitting away from Hongjoong again. The smaller man’s eyebrows furrow together, but he picks up his fork and takes a piece of the cake into his mouth. 

Hongjoong hums at the taste and it fills up the empty apartment. Seonghwa watches him nibble at the dessert and lets him grow more uncomfortable as the moments pass by. _I deserve this,_ he thinks and let’s himself clench the hand that is out of Hongjoong’s view into the couch. 

“Is that why you made the cake?” He asks once he finishes his slice. A crumb sits in the corner of Hongjoong’s mouth, but Seonghwa doesn’t say anything about it. 

_Is it really the guilt that made me slave over recipes night and day for a week, or have I finally accepted the fact that I just wanted, needed, to be near you again?_

“No, I uh, I remembered mentioning to you that I would bake you a cake for your birthday. So I did.” Seonghwa picks up his mug of tea and realizes the liquid is now lukewarm. He finishes it in one gulp before standing up. 

“But I think… I should go.”

Hongjoong walks him to the door and drops his blanket along the way. It’s the first time Seonghwa is seeing him without the cover draping over his body and his mouth seems to be filled with cotton at the sight. 

The smaller man’s skin is flushed and even while sick, Hongjoong looks more alive than Seonghwa is capable of feeling on a good day. The shirt he is wearing is too large (probably one of Mingi’s) so it falls off his shoulder, letting his freckles come into view. Seonghwa doesn’t want this, he doesn’t want Hongjoong to _want_ this. 

So he moves a hand and picks up the collar of Hongjoong’s shirt. He moves the soft material back onto the other man’s shoulder then takes his hand away right after. 

Seonghwa toes his shoes on after and opens the front door himself. But he does stop from leaving when he feels a hand embrace his bicep. Turning around, Seonghwa let's Hongjoong come into his space because he doesn’t know what is good for him. 

“You have always had a memory too big for your body.” Hongjoong murmurs. He puts a daring hand on Seonghwa’s chest, but doesn’t move it. He only taps his pointer finger right up against his heart.

“I’ll text you,” Hongjoong continues, giving Seonghwa that look again. It’s almost enough for him to step back inside the apartment and not leave until morning, no matter how ashamed he would be after. “Try to answer this time.”

 _Another chance._

He nods at Hongjoong’s words, and does not make a promise. Seonghwa knows now his promises mean nothing to the other man anymore. Hell, they almost mean nothing to him either. 

But really, Seonghwa nods because he is afraid that if he tries to say something, only: _I miss you,_ will come out. And he doesn’t have the right to miss something that he mistakenly threw away. 

What scares him the most is that Hongjoong knows that as well.

  


  


“So I heard Hongjoong-hyung tried to fuck you last week.”

Seonghwa drops his pen at the sound of the familiar voice, it rolls off the table but he pays no mind to it. Instead, he whips his head around to see a very bored looking Mingi in his presence. 

The library is quiet (duh, it’s a fucking library) so Mingi’s confession, if you could even call it that, echoes throughout the large building. Seonghwa sees a couple students snort into their hands from the corner of his eye and he wishes the world would just eat him whole.

Before Seonghwa can chastise the younger man in front of him, Mingi places his hand on the chair beside him and sits down. He pulls out his laptop calmly from his busted backpack like he didn’t just make Seonghwa the laughing stock of the week.

 _Only Song fucking Mingi,_ he thinks while leaning down to pick up his pen from the dirty floor. 

He doesn’t even answer Mingi’s claim because there is no good answer. If the younger knew Seonghwa was even at his apartment then that means Hongjoong told him. And those had to be his words. 

_Tried to fuck you last week, so at least I wasn’t reading the room wrong._

They work side by side quietly. Neither make any motions to start up a conversation and Seonghwa is thankful for that. Finals are just around the corner as December crawls closer and closer, so yeah he is actually trying to get some shit done. 

He does side-eye Mingi’s laptop to see him playing Fortnite for fuck’s sake. Seonghwa sighs and looks down at his notes. They are highlighted to hell and back, words and phrases scribbled in the corners as he tries to pinpoint exactly what he needs to say for his presentation. 

But Seonghwa can finish this later. 

“Do you wanna get a coffee with me?” Seonghwa asks in a whisper. Mingi turns his head and smiles at him, but it actually doesn’t look so forced like it normally does. 

“Thought you would never ask.”

They walk with a good distance between them. Mingi has a skateboard of all things tucked under his armpit and Seonghwa just infers for the younger’s safety that it’s Yeosang’s. Seonghwa notices a build-up of clouds and wonders if it is supposed to rain that night. But he remembers how cold it is now and realizes that if anything, it will in fact snow. 

“The cake was good.” Mingi states after a couple of minutes of walking in silence.

“Thanks, took me forever to figure out how to make it.” Seonghwa replies honestly, what is the point of lying anyways.

“Not gonna lie, I was shocked to see it when I got back,” Mingi’s voice is low and deep, Seonghwa used to find it almost comforting but he can’t exactly remember why now. “I was more shocked to see hyung alone though.”

Seonghwa’s jaw clenches and he just shakes his head. Does everyone think he is this asshole (he would like to use the word monster, but that is going a little bit overbroad) who would just fuck and leave his ex, _again?_ Did he really fuck up his reputation that bad?

“I would never do that to him.” Seonghwa tries to stay calm. Getting angry won’t do any good in the first place, especially if Mingi is actually trying to talk to him again. 

“I know hyung. I mean… I guess I hoped you wouldn’t but you really didn’t set yourself up well when you broke up with him.” 

“What do you mean?” Confusion slips into Seonghwa’s voice.

“You said you weren’t ready for commitment so… let’s be honest that was just hyung giving you what you wanted: _no commitment._ ” Mingi responds before he stops in his tracks. 

He turns to move towards a lone bench; Seonghwa follows him and they sit down. It looks like there is a lot on the younger’s mind and he feels like he shouldn’t be the one Mingi is talking to. 

“When you guys broke up, hyung became… distant? Like he was still him of course, but it was different. It was like all the energy was just sucked out of him.” Mingi says, paying no mind to Seonghwa but looking at the darkening clouds roll past them. 

“We tried to get him out again and he would go, but he just wasn’t into it anymore. I think… I think he got really used to you.”

Seonghwa swallows and let’s shame run through him like a flash flood. 

“I used to hate you for it, used to blame you, but it was childish. Break ups suck ass man.” Mingi laughs lightly and Seonghwa searches for comfort anywhere he can again in his friend, if he could even call him that. 

“I came home that morning and hyung was… awake? He was on the couch and not in his room. And he was writing again? I hadn’t seen his notebook out in forever and I just knew—”

Mingi stops and looks at Seonghwa; he gives him a once over and smiles sadly, almost like it was a secret. 

“He didn’t even need to tell me, I already knew it was you,” Mingi’s words sit in the air and fall down like the leaves do in late autumn. “And he did tell me because hyung can’t lie even if he had a gun to his head. Full disclosure, I did give him shit for coming on to you.”

“He didn’t come on to me.” Seonghwa whispers, finding his own voice finally. Mingi snorts.

“And you’re straight, give me a break.” _Ah, there’s the comfort._

Seonghwa stands up and Mingi follows him this time; they reach the coffeeshop within a handful of minutes. Just as Seonghwa moves to open the door, Mingi coughs behind him. He pulls his hand away from the door knob and looks over his shoulder. 

“I… actually have class to go to,” Mingi blushes embarrassedly and he finally looks like the younger Seonghwa once knew. “But I just wanted to say that I hope things work out and even though I wasn’t rooting for you then, that I am now.” 

Mingi grabs Seonghwa’s shoulder and squeezes it. He turns on his heels and starts to walk off. Right before Seonghwa moves to enter the coffeeshop himself, he hears Mingi call out to him again. 

“And I won’t wait for him to say it ‘cause he’s a pussy. But Joongie-hyung misses you too!” Mingi cups his mouth and positively screams across the street. 

Seonghwa blushes then gives Mingi the middle finger. The younger just smiles at him with two thumbs-up then takes off. The older man tries to be angry for a moment because who was Mingi of all people to get involved?

But all Seonghwa can find in his heart is… hope.

  


  


**From: kim hongjoong**  
17:51: just got back from break woohoo!  
17:52: if you free we should do something tomorrow >3<

They started talking (texting) each other again after finals. Hongjoong did what he said and texted Seonghwa first; it was just a simple: _hi how are you?_

And yes, it did scare the shit out of Seonghwa. Not the message itself, but more like what would happen if he didn’t respond. So he did and everything was… okay. The world didn’t set fire and blow up. Locusts didn’t swarm the planet and devour all the crops. Seonghwa’s blood didn’t boil and he didn’t explode, even though he wanted to. 

It was almost shocking how easy it was to text Hongjoong again. It’s like Seonghwa forgot they dated for months and totally ignored the fact that they did have things in common. 

He always had the tendency to view Hongjoong as a completely different individual compared to himself. Hongjoong was a firework constantly lighting up the sky and Seonghwa was the dark background behind him. 

Maybe he didn’t have to be. 

This time when Hongjoong sent Seonghwa songs, he listened to them right away and gave feedback on what he thought about them. When Hongjoong sent him a movie recommendation, Seonghwa saved it to his Watch Later on Netflix and _actually_ watched them later.

It was good; safe. One of the reasons why Seonghwa loved his relationship with Hongjoong was because of how comfortable it made him. He always felt understood by the other man. Hongjoong knew what Seonghwa liked, wanted, needed without any cues or quarrels. 

Seonghwa felt himself leaning back into it and it was… terrifying. Sure, he wanted to go run and hide but look where that brought him the first time around. So they continued texting as much as they could and break went by in a flash. 

But the one thing that never came up in conversation was the night of Hongjoong’s birthday. Which is bad, Seonghwa knows that. But how could he bring that up without saying: _hey I know you think I don’t want commitment, but I lied to you because in actuality I don’t think I deserve good things, and no I don’t know why I think that._

They’ll talk about it, one day. 

**To: kim hongjoong**  
17:55: i’m free tomorrow. do you wanna grab breakfast?

He almost wants to slap himself across the face. If there was one thing Seonghwa never managed to get Hongjoong to do while they were together, it was going to breakfast together. The other man never (and he means _never_ ) got out of bed before noon and he was adamant about not changing that for even Seonghwa. 

He starts to type out some bullshit about how lunch would be fine too, but stops when Hongjoong replies first. 

**From: kim hongjoong**  
17:56: breakfast would be nice. where and when do you wanna meet up?

Seonghwa stares down at his phone like it’s a mirage about to float away. He blinks once then twices, and yeah the message is still there. 

**To: kim hongjoong**  
17:59: uh how about 10? i can pick you up if you want 

**From: kim hongjoong**  
18:00: sounds perfect ^^

The next day, Seonghwa wears a red polo shirt and pulls at the collar. His jacket is thrown in the backseat of the car and the heater isn’t even on at full blast. Yet he feels like the heat is going to slow roast him to death.

He sits in the car in front of Hongjoong’s apartment building. It doesn’t take him long to pick out the other man as he walks down the outdoor stairwell. Hongjoong almost glows in his neon green down jacket and Seonghwa’s heart jumps into his throat. 

“Hey, ah it’s warm in here. Thank God.” Hongjoong says as he climbs into the car. Seonghwa nods and turns his attention on the wheel. 

The other man has eyeshadow on and Seonghwa sort of wants to punch out the driver’s side window. Instead, he puts the car in drive and starts to make his way out of the parking complex without having a mini heart attack. 

Hongjoong makes himself at home like he never even left. He turns on the car radio and takes off his shoes. He sits criss cross and watches the landscape move past them with tired eyes. 

They make it to the brunch place safely. Seonghwa opens Hongjoong’s car door and blushes deep red after he realizes it. Hongjoong only smiles and says a polite: _thank you._

It isn’t too busy so they get seated right away. Seonghwa doesn’t pull out Hongjoong’s chair and it feels wrong. But they sit facing each other and that makes him feel a little better. 

“I really like the western stuff they make here. I usually get a bowl that has eggs and greens in it,” Hongjoong gags and Seonghwa just rolls his eyes. “ _But,_ I think you would really like their french toast here. They put—” 

“Matcha powder on top of it. Man, you really took to that, didn’t you?” Hongjoong cuts in and the older huffs at the statement. 

“Never helping you again.” “Aw come on, I was just kidding!”

Hongjoong orders the french toast. 

They talk about classes and graduation over breakfast. Hongjoong keeps the conversation going as he talks about his final classes he will be taking for his Bachelor’s degree. Seonghwa has pride fill up in him as he watches the other man animatedly talk about his fast approaching future. 

Breakfast finishes fast so they order a cup of coffee. Then another, and another. Seonghwa doesn’t even realize three hours have passed until his phone goes off with a message from Wooyoung.

 **From: wooyoo**  
13:11: YOU’RE FRIENDS WITH HYUNG AGAIN?!!!!????

Seonghwa promptly flips his phone back down. 

Hongjoong flags down their waitress and tells her to give him the bill. Seonghwa glares at him and the smaller man laughs with his whole body. 

“You can get it next time, big boy.” He giggles and takes the check from their waitress with ease. 

_Next time._

He doesn’t open Hongjoong’s door this time, but the other man doesn’t wait for him to. Seonghwa turns on the radio and sings along to it with Hongjoong. They make it back to the apartment complex in one piece and Seonghwa is… unsure how he feels about it. 

It’s like reality has hit him in the chest. That even after spending all these hours with Hongjoong, it still hasn’t felt like enough. 

“I missed this.” Seonghwa says, it isn’t confident or conflicted. It just is. 

Hongjoong looks at him and it looks like his mind is running a mile a minute. Seonghwa knows he is trying to find a deeper meaning in his words because that is what he does. 

“I missed hanging out with you.” He elaborates and sees Hongjoong visibly relax. 

_Did he really think what I think… he is thinking? God I suck at projecting._

The other man leans across the center console and Seonghwa stops himself from moving backwards. He let’s Hongjoong take what he wants, that being a pat on the cheek. 

He smiles at the older with his teeth and precious is a word that comes to mind. He watches Hongjoong get out of the car and close the door. He motions for Seonghwa to roll down the window. 

“I’ll see you later, yeah?”

Seonghwa nods with a soft smile on his lips. Not a promise, but something good enough. 

“Good, and I just want you to know that uh,” Hongjoong’s voice drops, but it isn’t low or deep. It’s soft and airy. It’s purely Hongjoong and it throws him off for a second. “I… missed _this_ too.” 

He watches Hongjoong go and waits until he sees him enter his apartment safely. Seonghwa tries not to dwell on what _this_ really means for the rest of the day.

  


  


The reason why Seonghwa doesn’t like celebrating his birthday is scarily similar to the reason why he broke up with Hongjoong. 

Seonghwa doesn’t like… feelings, as stupid as it sounds. He likes events, he likes beginnings and ends, and has a preference to ignore the middle. He likes facts and answers. Seonghwa likes control. 

You don’t get a lot of those things in feelings. 

Seonghwa likes dates because he likes memories and he likes memories because they are all he has. They haunt him day in and day out; they won’t let him go so Seonghwa cares for them like you would a bird with a broken wing.

He likes knowing that he was born on April 3rd because it proves that he is in fact alive, but he doesn’t really care for the rest of it. 

Maybe it’s the fact that he doesn’t really care that it was him who was born, but knowing that someone (him) was. 

He doesn’t want to say he hates himself, but that’s what it sounds like right? He doesn’t like the emotions life brings because they make him uncomfortable. They make him vulnerable, but that’s life. Life is only feelings. 

And Hongjoong is life incarnated. 

It was a Wednesday when Seonghwa realized he couldn’t be with Hongjoong anymore. It was a quiet thought. It was a quiet feeling, but Seonghwa doesn’t know how to control his feelings or thoughts so it spiralled. 

All of it spiralled out of control until Seonghwa came to and realized he was on the ground, in the corner crying softly in the dark of his bedroom. The constant replay of thoughts in his head that Hongjoong was settling, that Seonghwa could never live up to what Hongjoong deserved to have. 

It was the same exact feeling he got every birthday. The dying knowledge that it has been another year of failure, and that another year of it was on its way. The inescapable fact that Seonghwa was trapped inside his own head with no way out. 

And everyone was and is right. Hongjoong is the best thing to ever happen to him and Seonghwa accepted that the day he first met him. But even the dead knew he wasn’t worth anything to Hongjoong.

Seonghwa didn’t know how much longer it was until the other man would see right through him. That he would see this shiny object of his imagination would fade away to show _this,_ a walking nightmare. 

So he broke up with him on a Monday. 

Their schedules for classes matched quite well. They always got lunch at a decent hour and Hongjoong would walk Seonghwa to class before going to the studio to work on whatever he wanted. 

He didn’t change a thing about that day. They got lunch, Hongjoong played with his fingers the whole time while scruffing down his meal. Seonghwa only picked at his; he knew he wouldn’t be able to stomach it later. 

As Hongjoong walked him to his last class, Seonghwa almost thought of doing it right there. Hongjoong looked at him when they got to the building and tilted his head a little. The moment was right, but Seonghwa felt his throat close up so he didn’t say a word. 

“Don’t think too hard, you’re going to do great on your exam.” _Oh my God, I have an exam today._

“Oh, yeah. It’ll be fine.” Seonghwa smiled, but it was fast to leave. 

He leaned in to give Hongjoong just one last kiss. The smaller man’s cherry chapstick always tasted too sweet to him, but for the first time Seonghwa decided to catalogue it in the far corners of his mind. 

“You’ll do great Park Seonghwa, fighting!” Hongjoong shook his fist at him in a playful manner and Seonghwa nodded before turning away. He let out a shaky breath and went to class with his head hung low. 

After class was over (more like after he flunked the fuck out of that exam), Seonghwa went over to where Hongjoong’s studio was and stood outside underneath a tree. He only had to wait a few minutes until Hongjoong was skipping out of the building. 

And he couldn’t breathe.

By the time Hongjoong finally made it over to him, he was almost positive the other man knew what was about to happen just by seeing how tense Seonghwa was standing. Hongjoong stopped in front of him, a few feet farther than usual, and took in a deep breath. 

“What’s going on.” Hongjoong said, not really as question, but more of a plea.

“I’m… _this._ This isn’t going to work.” Seonghwa’s words rolled quickly off his tongue and he can’t remember if his voice wavered or not. 

Hongjoong’s face contorted like he ate something sour, just like when he accidentally ate a lemon and couldn't find a place to spit it out fast enough.

“You’re breaking up with me?” Hongjoong asked, his fists clenched by his sides and Seonghwa just want to reach out and _touch him—_

“I’m sorry.” Seonghwa’s voice did crack then, he can still hear it.

Hongjoong didn’t say anything in return. He just turned on his heels and left in a blink of an eye. 

Later that night, Seonghwa did receive a singular message from him: _why?_

_Because I think I’m unworthy of being in the presence of something so good and it’s ruining my life. Because I can’t stand attention, but for some reason I want yours undividedly. Because you deserve something better than this. Someone better than me._

Seonghwa just said he wasn’t ready for the commitment of a serious relationship. That he was going to graduate and leave soon, that he wasn’t made for the possible long distant relationship Hongjoong would want to try (even though he never left). 

Now when Seonghwa looks back on it, that explanation was weak as hell and Hongjoong definitely saw through it. It’s probably what showed Hongjoong the coward he truly was for the first time. 

So he doesn’t understand why Hongjoong is still here waiting. He doesn’t understand why Hongjoong would ever want to talk to him again, let alone give him attention. He doesn’t understand why he would ever think Seonghwa was worth another chance after fucking up time and time again. 

Seonghwa loves Hongjoong more than anything in the world. That has never changed and probably never will. But he also hates him, gets angry with him, wants to pull out his hair and kiss him mad. He makes Seonghwa feel and it’s overwhelming. 

It’s also the most free Seonghwa has ever felt in his own head. 

What the fear is now is how close Hongjoong is again. How Seonghwa can reach out and he is right there, ready for anything the older could possibly give him. Who was Seonghwa to not touch?

Who was Seonghwa to keep Hongjoong from what he wants most? Even if it’s him. Especially when he believes that he will never amount to what Hongjoong _needs._

Who was Seonghwa to blow out the candles and sit alone in the dark again for another achingly long year.

  


  


Hongjoong comes back into Seonghwa’s life the same way he first entered it. 

Classes start and routines are made. “Family” dinner nights are now on Wednesdays instead of Thursdays so Mingi doesn’t have to miss them for a stupid yoga class he is taking. 

Hongjoong lets Seonghwa sit at the head of the table still and just sits to the left of him. San and Jongho are right by his side, but don’t glare at Seonghwa was much as he thought they would. 

“It’s just a chair, you look like you belong there anyway Prince Charming.” Hongjoong says, causing Wooyoung to snort his vodka tonic (they stopped trying to keep him from drinking on weekdays) out his nose. 

Seonghwa creates his own routine around Hongjoong once more too. They have study sessions together in the library every Monday and Wednesday nights. Then Hongjoong had the master plan of coming over on Mondays so Seonghwa could cook dinner for him (and give him the leftovers). 

“Mingi never makes it right.” Hongjoong mumbles under his breath as Seonghwa hands him over a fresh batch of kimchi fried rice in a tupperware box. 

They go and get breakfast together every other week. Seonghwa listens to all the new complaints Hongjoong has about his part time job at the art store down the street and drinks his coffee peacefully. 

“I swear to God if I have to deals with one more mom trying to argue with me about what fabric glue to buy for her kids Scout patches, I _will_ lose my fucking mind.” He huffs into his breakfast which is the french toast. It’s always the french toast. 

And as much as Hongjoong is slipping back into Seonghwa’s orbit, he is doing the same.

His name in Seonghwa’s phone is no longer the boring ‘kim hongjoong’, but back to ‘joongie ^^’. Mostly because the smaller man stole his phone and refused to give it back until it was changed. 

But other things… were changing too. 

“Hongjoong-ah, you have to keep the paint off the tile. It will stain, you dipshit.” Seonghwa yells from the kitchen. His floors are tinted light blue and he knew letting Hongjoong revamp his clothes here was a mistake. 

The older sees his silver head of hair pop up from the couch. Hongjoong turns around and scratches the back of his head, embarrassed, but his cat eyes don’t hold any remorse. Not like Seonghwa could ever really get truly angry at him anyway. 

Seonghwa finds himself at Hongjoong’s apartment more often than he used to. He finds that sitting on the rug in his living room is the most comfortable place to do boring paperwork. And he gets to hear Hongjoong work on his music if he is there which is an added bonus. 

“Can you hand me a pen?” Seonghwa asks. He sees Hongjoong roll one over from the corner of his eye. 

_Why is finding a school to shadow at so hard? Maybe I should just be a stripper and give up on teaching, fuck my college degree right?_

“Hey Joongie— oh hi hyung.” Mingi says while walking into the apartment. Seonghwa looks up and smiles before going back to work. He doesn’t even realize Mingi left the room to go into his own bedroom. Well not until— 

**From: princess minki**  
19:33: no fucking please. am baby (+:

All in all, the late winter is treating Seonghwa pretty well. A lot better than he originally thought it would. But maybe that is just because he sees Hongjoong wrapped up in his pretty, plaid scarves more often than not. 

Hongjoong doesn’t try to touch Seonghwa, well at least not in an incriminating (???) way. He cuddles up against him during movies, places his feet under Seonghwa’s thighs again to keep them warm, and he’ll play with the older man’s fingers whenever he gets nervous. 

He’ll fall asleep on Seonghwa more than he probably should. But the older has yet to complain because it means he is able to carry him to bed, pull the sheets over his small body, and watch him curl into the pillows. Seonghwa will wait to turn off the lights and stand maybe a little too long in the doorway before leaving. 

And if he stays long enough, it almost feels like nothing had ever changed.

  


  


But everything building up the past two months finally spills over the Friday before Spring Break officially starts. 

“Bar night, 10PM and no you can’t back out! Make sure you take an Uber because you _are_ going to get shitfaced tonight.” Wooyoung shrieks over the phone, loud enough for Seonghwa to pull it away from his ear. 

Before he can yell at the kid, the phone call is already over. Seonghwa should have expected it though, they have been going out together as a group the Friday that just touches the beginning of Spring Break ever since they all arrived at college. 

Seonghwa looks at the clock on the microwave. It’s a little past 8 already, but luckily he already took a shower earlier in the day after his last meeting with one of his professors. It never takes him a long time to get ready anyway.

He climbs into an Uber exactly at 10, well knowing everyone shows up late anyways. Seonghwa pulls at the silver chain around his neck and scrolls through his phone during the short drive. He thanks the driver as he exits the car once they reach his destination. 

The bar they usually go to is casual, a great place to go during the middle of the week for a mental breakdown. But the one they go to when they want to actually party is a little bit nicer. 

Seonghwa adjusts his black turtleneck that is under his blazer. His slacks are a little wrinkled but it won’t matter once he is inside. His hair drapes in front of his face and he has to remind himself of the aesthetic he wants before he accidently pushes it out of his view. 

It doesn’t take long for him to find his friends in the bar. Mostly because Wooyoung and San are already there so in reality, Seonghwa doesn’t see them first. He hears them. 

And clearly they have already pre-gamed. 

“Hyungie? Is that your hot fucking ass!” Yunho screams. 

Seonghwa snakes his way through the crowd and gets to San first. He claps him on the back and embraces the younger once he turns around. San gives him the biggest smile he hasn’t seen in months and Seonghwa is feeling good. 

Until San opens his mouth.

“Oh gross, you guys are starting to unironically match again.” San whines and pushes at Seonghwa’s shoulder. 

Seonghwa gives him a confused look, but understands what the younger means when he makes eye contact with Hongjoong. He is wearing… a blackturtle neck as well. But his slacks are a pretty nude color while Seonghwa’s get-up is all black. 

It’s the most tame thing he has ever seen Hongjoong in. Even including his shoes that are embroidered with colorful flowers of all kinds.

“He just got here from a date.” San whispers into Seonghwa’s ear as if he was a little devil sitting on his shoulder.

He doesn’t freeze at the knowledge like he thought he would. Maybe it’s because the longer he looks at Hongjoong, the more he notices. Instead of talking to everyone else, he is sitting at the bar. It reminds Seonghwa of who he was himself months ago.

He notices Hongjoong spinning his drink with one hand, watching the singular ice cube roll around but never knocking the liquid back. 

Seonghwa notices how sad he looks. 

“I’ll go talk to him.” Seonghwa pulls away with a smile on his face. San looks at him like that is the last thing he wants him to do, but lets Seonghwa go anyway. 

“Heard you had a date.” He says to Hongjoong once he sits down. No reason to beat around the bush. The smaller man snorts and finally drinks his whiskey down from the even tinier glass. 

“And I won’t be having a second one.” Hongjoong retorts, it isn’t fiery as he could be, but enough for Seonghwa to see that there is an invisible wall in between them. 

Luckily Seonghwa’s fear of heights is only physical, not metaphorical. 

“You, uh, wanna dance?” He asks, putting his hand out for Hongjoong to take if he so pleases. 

Seonghwa was not the dancer between the two of them. Hongjoong’s body was made for music and the older was born with two left feet and twenty toes on each. But even though he was awful at it, nothing made Hongjoong happier than when he danced with him. 

Hongjoong looks up, there is a haze in his eyes from the alcohol that he has already consumed, but he is still there. He nods his head once. 

“Can I get four shots of tequila down here?” Hongjoong calls out to the bartender who gives him a thumbs-up. He grabs Seonghwa’s hand and doesn’t let it go, not even when they throw back their shots. 

Hongjoong pulls Seonghwa out onto the dancefloor. He gets into his space, but this time it’s because Seonghwa brings him in. His hands rest on Hongjoong’s hips and God it’s been so long since he’s touched him. 

It feels like it was just yesterday though. Hongjoong’s arms twist their way around Seonghwa’s neck and he brings his head down. Their foreheads touch and they move to the music. It’s loud and obnoxious, but somehow Seonghwa can’t hear a damn thing. 

_I’ve missed this, I’ve missed this, I’ve missed this, I’ve missed_ you— 

“Seonghwa.” Hongjoong says his name like it is a curse. His voice might as well be a whisper for how loud everything else is around them, but Seonghwa hears it loud and clear. 

The smaller man turns around and places his back against Seonghwa’s chest. He moves the older’s head so his chin rests against his shoulder, lips just barely brushing his neck. His skin is a little sticky with sweat, but just as soft as ever; Hongjoong preens at the touch like he will never get it again.

Seonghwa grabs at his hips tight enough to possibly leave bruises, but his mind is racing a mile a minute. He can’t escape, it’s like Hongjoong has put claws into his skin and refuses to let go. 

_I don’t want to escape, never again. Not in a million years, maybe not even after that._

And suddenly Hongjoong’s mouth is on his. The kiss is wet and desperate. Seonghwa can feel Hongjoong’s fingertips burying their way into his skin and everything feels so hot. 

Everything feels so _wrong._

They were supposed to talk, they were supposed to be smarter than this. Hongjoong shouldn’t have to think that the only way he can be with him is by getting into his bed. And it is Seonghwa’s fault for ever letting him think that in the first place. 

Seonghwa _loves_ Hongjoong, he’s always loved him. 

Hongjoong bites down on Seonghwa’s bottom lip when he tries to pull away. The bite isn’t hard enough to make him bleed, but it hurts nevertheless. Hongjoong doesn’t even look like himself. 

He looks up at Seonghwa the same way he did the day he left him. 

Seonghwa hugs him in the middle of the crowd, he brings him against his chest and cradles the back of his head with a hand. It’s sweaty and stiff, but he can almost feel Hongjoong trying to climb into his ribcage with how hard he is pressing into him. 

He can almost feel how much Hongjoong _needs_ him, more than he ever imagined. That maybe, Seonghwa isn’t the only one in need. 

“Do you… do you wanna go and talk?” He whispers into the smaller man’s hair. It feels fragile against his skin and smells like freshly picked strawberries. 

“I— yeah, we can go home.” 

Seonghwa looks at him and Hongjoong just stares. His eyes are slightly red and his lip trembles as he turns his head to look away, but he stays in Seonghwa’s embrace and he is so warm it almost hurts.

“Can’t you remember? You remember _everything,_ can’t you…” Hongjoong says and he makes Seonghwa’s overactive head almost sound like a gift rather than— 

_My apartment. He always… he always called— calls that home._

“Then let’s… let’s go home.”

  


  


Yeosang stares at Seonghwa with a dull look in his eye. 

“You’re kidding right? Like you are actually joking.” His voice is not loud because it’s him, but it’s loud enough to make Seonghwa twitch uncomfortably in his seat. 

The idea it has almost been six months since he sat in this exact seat; Wooyoung and Yeosang in front of him confessing about that stupid failed birthday party. The idea that this was happening right now.

“… no?” 

“So you mean to tell me that you dragged me out of bed at 10AM hungover out of my Goddamn mind, so I could give you a pep talk before you spilled your heart out to Hongjoong, again.” Yeosang blinks and waits for an answer.

“Uh, yeah.”

The younger snorts as he moves a hand off of the table and reaches into his pocket then pulls out… a flask? Seonghwa’s eyes go wide when Yeosang dumps whatever alcohol he had in it into his cup of coffee. 

“Was that really necessary?” Seonghwa asks and the younger man just shrugs his shoulders. 

“If you think I’m going get to through this conversation sober then you are a bigger fucking idiot than I originally thought hyung. Anyways it’s Saturday so who cares.” Yeosang says before taking a _big_ sip from his now alcoholic beverage. 

And really who was Seonghwa to judge?

“So let’s play this back. Hyung is at your apartment right now and you are here because you are having a breakdown?” _Ah yeah. When you put it that way…_

“I left a note, I told you that. There is a note for him to text me when he wakes up.” Seonghwa points out with a shaky grin. 

“Does Mingi know, like where hyung is?”

“Yes. I’m an idiot, not irresponsible.” He scoffs at the younger’s lack of trust. Yeosang just takes another sip of his “coffee” and visibly shivers as his throat is burned with something akin to battery acid. 

Hongjoong fell asleep in the Uber ride back to Seonghwa’s place and honestly, he was sort of thankful for that. Seonghwa let Hongjoong lay down his head onto the other man’s lap and he was out like a light the second Seonghwa started playing with his hair. 

The smaller man has always been clever and Seonghwa was reminded of that when he saw the make-up on his face. The bags under his eyes were so convincingly covered up with concealer that if Seonghwa wasn’t as close as he was, he would have never noticed them. 

But he did and the longer he stared, the worse Hongjoong started to look. He looked like he hadn’t slept in days, his hair was soft but brittle, and his skin was paler than normal. And Seonghwa wonders how he didn’t see Hongjoong spiralling right before him. 

Once the two of them were dropped off at the apartment complex, Seonghwa was able to get the smaller man on his back and managed to get into his apartment without dying. He put Hongjoong in his bed and stepped away when the other man started to grab for him. As if he wanted Seonghwa to lay down right next to him for the night.

Seonghwa stayed in the living room the whole night, wide awake. 

It was easy to see that he didn’t get a lick of sleep last night with how bad his eye bags are now. His hoodie is covering a good portion of his face and thankfully keeping the sun mostly out of his eyes. Seonghwa bet Grim Reapers look better than he does right now. 

“And you thought I was the best person to call?” The younger laughs and Seonghwa just wants to throw himself off the nearest bridge.

“I know you say you are hungover, but you never drink that much ever since Wooyoung got into that bar fight with those middle aged women over Park Jimin two years ago.” 

“Well… you got me there.” 

Yeosang continues to drink from his cup and Seonghwa wishes he brought his wallet. He is so tired, but with no money in hand, he just has to watch the younger slowly drink away his morning.

“What do you want me to say?” The younger asks with pure honesty. 

Seonghwa thinks for a moment and tries to figure out why he even called Yeosang in the first place. Sure, it was partly because he knew he wouldn’t be too hungover. But the younger also has a way with words. 

Yeosang has always been able to translate Seonghwa’s feelings into facts. 

“This isn’t stupid right? Like I’m not crazy.” 

“I don’t think you’d ever allow yourself to be crazy. So no, you aren’t stupid or crazy—” 

Seonghwa sighs, _oh thank fucking God I’m not actually going insane right now._

“—you’re just in love which is stupid and crazy in its own right.” Yeosang finishes and watches Seonghwa choke on his own spit.

“You remember what it was like before San and Yunho got together? How long those two fucking idiots just stared at each other until they finally sucked dicks, and they got their happy ending, yada yada yada.” 

“Yeah.” Seonghwa remembers a lot of crying from both of them. He remembers talking to both of them separately, trying to figure out how to comfort the massive amounts of emotions getting thrown at him. He remembers it being messy and hard, really hard.

“It was stupid and crazy, wasn’t it? But I think it was worth it because look at where they are now. Living together and shit, being adults.” Yeosang is smiling and Seonghwa grins a little too. 

Yunho and San work well together. Seonghwa was a little surprised when he first heard Yunho say that he was crushing on the slightly younger man, especially with how different they are. But they made it work almost too well.

“I think… you and Hongjoong have a chance to get there too, you know?”

“Really?” Seonghwa wants to believe Yeosang, he really does. 

“Yeah I do,” Yeosang gives him a heavy look. “But only if you let it.”

“What do you mean?”

“To have the chance at something great, you have to be willing to accept that maybe it won’t be. And that’s scary, and you hate being scared. You hate being unsure, but love is only being unsure, stupid, and crazy.”

“I know you think that you are this indestructible force that doesn’t have human wants or needs. But I think a little attention from the right person could help you out more than you think…” Yeosang trails off when Seonghwa’s phone starts vibrating. 

**From: joongie ^^**  
11:46: you told me to text you so… here’s the text lol

Seonghwa picks up his phone and sends Hongjoong a message back: _I’ll be back real quick. Please don’t leave,_ and for the first time he doesn’t care about how desperate he sounds like. Because shit, he _is_ desperate. 

“Thanks Yeosang… like a lot.” Seonghwa says while he scratches the back of his neck, sort of embarrassed out of his mind.

“I’ll pretend none of this happened if you promise to never ask me to give you a pep talk ever again.” 

“Deal, even better.” He sighs out causing Yeosang to grin with his tiny teeth showing. Seonghwa grabs his phone then gets out of his chair. Yeosang waves at him through the coffeeshop window once he exits, and Seonghwa waves back. 

He jogs along the sidewalk mostly out of respect for Hongjoong. He has no clue how long the other man is going to be willing to wait to actually talk. Especially when they weren’t even able to say a word last night. However, Seonghwa does feel his phone go off not once, but twice. He unlocks it and thumbs over the two messages as he reads them. 

**From: joongie ^^**  
11:54: okay i’ll be here ;^;

 **From: yeoman**  
11:54: i believe in you 

_Well thank fuck someone does,_ Seonghwa thinks and continues his way back to the apartment like his life isn’t flashing before his eyes.

  


  


The apartment isn’t silent when he comes back.

The tv is playing a show Seonghwa has never seen before and he can hear the coffee pot running. And he hears the sound of feet padding in and out of the hallways. 

“Oh, you’re back? That was fast,” Hongjoong’s voice filters through the apartment lightly. “I ordered some food for lunch so I thought it was going to be the delivery guy.” 

He is standing in the doorway of Seonghwa’s bedroom. His arms are crossed against his chest and Seonghwa notices that the other man has taken the liberty of going through his closet. 

Hongjoong is wearing one of Seonghwa’s white dress shirts that he only wears during presentations and job interviews. He hopes to God that Hongjoong is wearing shorts underneath, but due to him being the size of a garden fairy, Seonghwa has no way of knowing. 

_If there is a God, you must be laughing down at me right now._

“Nice, thanks for that. I can pay you back if you want.” He responds, throwing his keys on the kitchen counter. He sees the smaller man shake his head in response before he steps into the kitchen area. 

Seonghwa pulls two mugs from his cabinets and pours coffee into both of them. He grabs some sugar and cream, putting them down for Hongjoong to use. He knows the other man would drink it black if necessary, but he has what Hongjoong likes so why not give it to him. 

Hongjoong hops onto one of Seonghwa’s bar stools and lets his feet swing. Seonghwa puts one of the mugs in front of him and positions the cream and sugar in his reach. He watches him fill his mug to the brim with the sweeteners. 

They drink together in silence. Seonghwa doesn’t move to sit next to him and if Hongjoong finds it odd, he doesn’t say anything. He stands in front of him though, with only the counter between them. 

In all honesty, he is sort of hoping the other man will start this conversation off because God knows he is incapable— 

“Thanks for bringing me back here last night.” 

_Hongjoong must be a saint._

“Oh yeah, it was no problem. You’re easy to carry, barely even a work out.” Seonghwa teases Hongjoong and feels better when he pouts back at him. 

Seonghwa watches his pout turn into a small smile. His lips turn up at the edges of his mouth and even with the massive case of bedhead, Hongjoong still looks absolutely holy. But he always has. 

“I want to be honest with you.” Seonghwa says suddenly. He doesn’t regret the words, but they do come out panicked. And they cause the other man’s smile to immediately drop from his fact. 

“Okay.” _Honest, be honest._

“I… lied when I told you I wasn’t ready for commitment.” He looks into his mug and lets the dark liquid entrance him just so he doesn’t have to face Hongjoong. 

“Why?” Hongjoong speaks like he is trying to calm down a cornered animal and the first time in a long while, Seonghwa is happy someone is approaching him with care. 

“Because I was scared to tell you the real reason why I broke up with you. I felt like I was holding you back from things.” Seonghwa swirls his mug so it doesn’t show how much his hands are shaking. 

_He’s gonna say that I’m dumb, that we could’ve talked about it, and he’s gonna be angry that I made this stupid thing up in my head and caused all this drama—_

“I was scared I was doing that to you too.” 

_What?_

Seonghwa’s shock must be all over his face because Hongjoong reacts with a tilt of his head and another smile working it’s way to his lips.

“Of course I was scared Seonghwa, that’s sort of the whole point.” The other man’s pointer finger plays with the rim of the mug and his pinkie finger is painted a color he hasn’t seen him wear before. 

Green, vibrant in color but soft against Hongjoong’s skin tone. It’s the color of what Seonghwa is only familiar in seeing at the bottom of his cup: matcha powder. 

“Point of what?” 

“Being in love.” 

“Oh.” Seonghwa whispers, _in love._ They never— they never got that far in their relationship. Maybe he is an idiot, because yeah he knew Hongjoong loved him. Just like how he loved Mingi and the rest of the kids. But he didn’t imagine that he was… 

“I’ve always been in love with you.” 

And Seonghwa remembers all the times where Hongjoong massaged his shoulders after typing for way too many hours. He remembers the nights where Hongjoong came over with take-out and a movie in hand whenever Seonghwa got too stressed out, even over the simplest of things. 

He remembers what it felt like to go to sleep with the smaller man laid across his chest. He remembers the mornings after, trying to teach him how to cook an egg without burning holes through his pans. 

Being in love was never really the issue, it was probably the only thing that kept them together. 

“Seonghwa, I want to try again.” Hongjoong confesses and it isn’t this big event Seonghwa thought it would be. 

Instead it’s in an apartment on a partly cloudy day. Hongjoong’s silver hair is sticking straight up and his eyes are rimmed pink, but he isn’t crying. He gives Seonghwa a strong look, a true one. 

“I know that there is a lot we need to talk about and I know that isn’t going to be smooth sailing from here on out, but God not having you in my life is sort of starting to kill me. If I have to keep on going on shitty dates one after the other and ignore the fact that you are right here, I’m going to lose my fucking mind.” The smaller man laughs but Seonghwa can hear how nervous he is.

Seonghwa moves from the kitchen into the living room. He makes his way over to Hongjoong and watches him twist in his chair to face him. He doesn’t know why, but Seonghwa just really wants a hug right now. 

And Hongjoong always gives the best ones. 

Like last night, Seonghwa pulls Hongjoong’s head against his chest. He places his chin on top of his head and closes his eyes. He feels like his heart is going to jump out of his chest but doesn’t try to move away. Hongjoong deserves to hear it and feel. 

“I’ve… missed _you._ ” Seonghwa kisses the top of Hongjoong’s head. If the smaller man wasn’t crying before then he is now. Seonghwa can feel the tears seep into his thin shirt, but he doesn't try to dry them. Hongjoong deserves to cry too. 

“I’ve missed you too.” 

_Trying again,_ Seonghwa thinks as he rubs Hongjoong’s back. _We can do that._

(The delivery guy ends up leaving their food outside, he must have gotten to their door when they were wrapped up in their conversation. Seonghwa sticks his head out and sees the grocery bag sitting on his doormat. 

When he brings it in, Hongjoong jumps in excitement. Seonghwa tries not to roll his eyes, but can’t stop himself when he pulls out a pint of ice cream. 

“Ice cream, really? I thought you said food.”

“Don’t judge me, coffee ice cream used to be your _favorite._ Now get me a spoon, it’s already melting!” Hongjoong whines with his voice pitched unbearably high and yeah, Seonghwa can get used to this… again).

  


  


“Happy birthday bitch!” 

Seonghwa places a hand on his chest after he jumps five feet into the fucking air. His heart feels like it is about to give out and he can hear the distinct noise of someone getting slapped.

“Hey that fucking hurt you asshole, what the fuck man?” Wooyoung moans as he rubs his arm.

“You scared the fuck out of hyung, we weren’t gonna say anything remember?” San complains. Seonghwa puts his forehead against his front door and decides to just take in a deep breath. 

He can hear someone walking towards him and he smiles down at the ground. Seonghwa feels a familiar pair of arms wrap around his middle and he melts into the embrace. 

“Sorry about that babe.” Hongjoong says sheepishly with his cheek pressed in between his shoulder blades and Seonghwa laughs a little. 

“You were the one to text me a warning that this was happening so really I should’ve been expecting something… worse.” He says while patting at Hongjoong’s hands that are resting on his stomach as he relaxes. 

“Okay gay shit over,” Seonghwa hears before Hongjoong is physically ripped away from him. Hongjoong squeals as Mingi picks him up and throws him to Yunho. “Time to party!”

Seonghwa is turned around to see his apartment decorated. He wishes he could say it looks nice, but that would be a lie. There is a banner that is mediocrely taped up on the wall that says “Happy Birthday Mom!” and balloons of all colors litter the floor. 

But there is no glitter on the tile (Seonghwa would’ve killed someone if there was) so that is already better than Yunho’s party from last month. 

It really isn’t about the decorations anyway. Wooyoung and San are bitching at each other and Yeosang is watching with a dutiful eye to make sure no one gets a limb ripped off. Hongjoong is punching Yunho’s back as the younger carries him off into the apartment and Mingi smiles down at Seonghwa with a look of pure joy. 

“Where’s Jongho?” Seonghwa asks when he doesn’t see their youngest in his sights. 

“In here hyung!” 

Jongho is wearing Seonghwa’s apron and is completely covered in flour. His heart clenches when he sees a cake in his hands and icing on his forehead. 

“I couldn’t trust anyone else to bake a cake for you!” Seonghwa hears Hongjoong yell from the living room where he is being pinned down by Yunho. 

He watches Jongho put the cake on the table that has a multitude of cards on it. Seonghwa looks from a distance as everyone surrounds the table and messes around with the candles. 

“Hey I want to put them in.” “No you’ll just make it look like a dick.” “Fuck you, no I won’t—” “We aren’t putting 23 candles in because like, I don’t think there is enough room for that.” “ _Yo what did I say about dicks—_ ” 

Seonghwa walks slowly towards them. He puts his bag down on the couch and unbuttons the top of his dress shirt open. His socked feet graze the floor and he lets himself enjoy the sound of his kids bickering for a little bit longer. 

Hongjoong lights the candles with a match and manages to burn himself for a second. Jongho turns the lights off and Wooyoung screams the second it gets dark. Seonghwa reaches the table and sees each one of his friends’ faces lit up in the orange glow; he pretends it’s a nice view rather than a culty one. 

Wooyoung opens his mouth to which Mingi slams his hand over it. The younger looks at him pissed out of his mind, but Seonghwa doesn’t pay that much attention when he feels Hongjoong slide up against him. 

“Make a wish.” He says softly. His tiny hand finds Seonghwa’s and squeezes it as he stares down at the cake. 

He looks up real quick and sees Yeosang lick icing off Jongho’s cheek and the kid looks like he is about to punch him dead. Wooyoung is still trying to rip Mingi’s hand off his mouth, but is failing. Yunho has his arm around San and they smile at him warmly. 

Seonghwa doesn’t even need to blow out the candles to know that his wish will come true, but he does anyway. Mostly because he doesn’t want Mingi to go to prison for accidentally killing Wooyoung by asphyxiation.

“Happy birthday Seonghwa!” Everyone cheers the second the candles go out. 

Seonghwa stands in the dark and waits for dread to fill him, but finds himself feeling… nothing. The emptiness in him feels quite daunting for a second, but then he realizes that maybe this is what it’s like to feel content. 

The lights turn on as Hongjoong kisses him. He ignores the gags he hears from his friends when he pulls the smaller man in. His heart feels lighter than it has in years and he wants to live in the moment just a little bit longer. 

So he does.

  


  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> first off, stream 'inception' because that shit fucking SLAPS. 
> 
> otherwise, that's a wrap! a little fun fact before i leave: the chapter titles are based off the meaning of hongjoong's name because... i wanted seonghwa to be the center of hongjoong's 'broad world' and not even be aware of it AAAAHHHHH CHEESY CRINGY CUTE. 
> 
> remember to leave a kudo and/or comment if you liked the story! maybe even subscribe to my AO3 account if you wanna get a little crazy. i already have a couple of fic ideas in mind right now woohoo so you will probably see more from me soon. but until next time~~
> 
> [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/travelingsymphony)


End file.
